Dan finds sports/love connection?

By Dan O'Shea

My mother has the ultimate way of explaining love: “Well, you know, they’re both Leos so they’re supposed to get along well together.”

Don’t ask me what that means. I’m not the type of person who thinks of the zodiac as the roadmap of life. Neither is my mom, but that explaination seems to work for her.

Anyway, pardon me for getting soft on you guys once again, but you know, it is the holiday season so GET OFF MY BACK ALREADY!

I’ve just become interested lately in how people end up together and what keeps them together.

Like everybody else, I was home for Thanksgiving. (Yes, contrary to popular belief, I was not just conjured up out of a pool of battery acid on Halloween by three bald witches with bad eyesight—I do have parents and they do like me. I think.)

While I was back in the Village of the Damned, I got together with an old high school buddy of mine who I see only a few times a year. I don’t know if he’d want his name in the newspaper, so let’s call him Socrates.

Now, when we get together, Socrates and I always employ the same three-topic discussion formula. I’m sure you’ve also used it many times before with people you hardly ever see.

The one topic that everybody uses is school. (What are your classes like? How is it in general? Etc.) The second topic is also universally used—the opposite sex. (Are you involved? Who have you been seeing? Who would you like to go out with? Etc.) The third topic will vary, usually being something that has always been a prevalent topic in your relationship with this person (Socrates likes to talk baseball). Sometimes, if you’re not careful, these topics can become intertwined.

Saturday at about 12:30 a.m., according proper discussion structure and schedule, the topic of discussion turned to women. Basically, Socrates likes heavy metal, sports, rebellion and blonde hair, and is thus attracted to women with these traits.

He stunned me by saying that he has become quite involved with a girl with none of these traits whom he has seen only on and off for a few months. He said he dated several other girls during the time he had known her, and thought he would end up with one of them for sure because they were his type. But, somehow, Amelda, let’s call her, survived.

Being the simple-minded buffoon that I am, I was kind of bewildered and needed more explanation. At this point, he intertwined topics by employing the Davey Concepcion analogy. This is by no means a male-chauvinist theory. I think women could use the same analogy when they talk about men.

For those who don’t know, Davey Concepcion was an infielder for Cincinnatti’s Big Red Machine of the early- and mid-70s. Concepcion was by far the least valuable member of the Red infield and was sure to be the obvious first one to leave it. However, somehow, by the early 80s, he was the only one still there.

Ah, yes. In the same way, Amelda was not rated to be the favorite. Socrates was sure he’d end up with someone else. Others had more going for them, but somehow Amelda made the cut and things worked out.

Hmm. She was never too hot with the bat. Maybe she’s a decent fielder.