Rah, Rah.

Yes, it’s that magical time of year again. Christmas? No, of course not. Oktoberfest? Well, you’re pretty close.

It’s Homecoming. It’s a time for pep rallies, parades, the big game, homecoming court, alumni, the dance, stealing the other team’s mascot, (Does anybody know what the hell a saluki looks like? Well, at least we’re not playing the leathernecks.) dancing cheek_to_cheek with your sweetheart on Saturday night, kissing her gently, checking your wallet to make sure you’ve got enough condoms, getting blasted out of your mind at 10:30 in the morning, getting your nose broken because you spilled hot choclate on some guy in the stands, tipping over cars in the tailgating area, turning the campus into a disaster area, waking up naked on the 50-yard line Sunday morning with an empty bottle of Wild Turkey in your hand.

Yes, Homecoming means all these things to me.

So maybe we don’t have vast amounts of school spirit. At least we know how to party. And hey! We’ve got a pretty good football team this year. They can kick some butt, or at least that’s the way it seems after you’ve had a few.

Oh, I guess we’re okay spirit-wise. So what if you can’t stand up straight, or you’re blowing chunks under the bleachers, or that frigid northwest wind is freezing various parts of your body off, or you’re passed out in one of the restrooms. The important thing is that you’re at the game supporting your school. Maybe you can’t see it, but you’re there. Well, your tongue tastes like a sweaty shoulder pad at the very least, and I think that’s close enough.

And so what if Victor E. Huskie looks more like a rat or a kangaroo or a skunk (or a maitre d‘, for that matter) than a dog. At least he doesn’t shed as much as he used to.

Okay, sure. All the people who bought tickets to the game will leave in the third quarter and everybody in the student section (Student section? They should call it the sardine section.) will still be squeezed together tight enough that we all know who didn’t use Dial. That’s all right. I was in the mood for a little student bonding anyway.

It’ll still be a good time. Maybe the Huskies will win. Everybody will be happy. (You just won the Homecoming game, Coach Pettibone! What are you going to do next? “I’m going to kiddieland at Hardees!”) Then, we’ll really have a good time, a campuswide party, right?

Twenty-five years ago at this school they did have a big Homecoming dinner and a street dance for everybody at the whole school, and the Huskies did win big, and the team had a star quarterback who also was the Homecoming king.

Could Hans Christian Andersen write a better fairy tale than that? I think not.

Boy, Homecoming isn’t what it used to be.

There was campus band back then called “Bill and the Bachelors.” Nowadays, we’ve got Howard and the White Boys. Same difference, right?

Sure, Homecoming isn’t what it used to be, but it’s a different time. Things are a bit racier in 1989 than they were in 1964. Our values have shifted a little, along with our morals, but we can still have fun. Let’s just try to get into it and see what happens. Let’s not worry about traditional goose-bump Homecomings. We do all right.

A saluki. Hmm. Maybe we could find a greyhound somewhere, say that we stole their mascot and call it even. Or, how about getting a doberman and spray painting it a nice off-white color?