College students suffer from unique diseases

Mike Solley

NIU students beware. With all the recent media attention given to dreaded ailments such as AIDS, anorexia and bulimia, college students have several unique afflictions of their own to worry about.

Though not limited to anyone in particular, these horrible maladies are most common amount freshman and new transfer students. Most upperclassmen have had a chance to build up their immunity system to defend against these afflictions, but there have been some instances of lost causes who have succumbed fully.

The following is a list of descriptions of the symptoms and effects of these ailments that all students should watch out for.

WORRY MANIA also known as freshmantitis. This terrible affliction is found most often in freshman and first year transfer students. It involves chronic worrying and dreadful anticipation of eveything from the first day of classes to the weather during finals week. Symptons include uneasiness about taking certain classes, automatically assuming the worst after finishing an exam and a complete lack of confidence in one’s own ability. Victims often lament that they will never get the job they want after graduation because they may have failed a psychology quiz freshman year.

A sympton of worry mania is the dreaded GPA fever. Persons suffering from this disease are recognized by their unique talent, mostly due to stress to calculate their grade point average at any possible moment and taking into consideration any possible scenario. More advanced cases involve victims who plan their grades out for ther entire college career deciding what grades they will get in each subject.

Another classs of collegiate ailments is included in the dreaded SHOW-OFF SYNDROME. Victims afflicted by show-off syndrome are gripped by the relentless desire to impress everyone from professors to floormates to old friends back home.

Common symptons of this disease are telling a classmate that you found a difficult exam very easy, or going to great lengths to tell him hat you were your high scholl’s valedictorian and had an SAT composite of about 1,599. Persons afflicted with this disease are also gripped by the desire to compete with and out-do their follow classmates. Symptons include feelings of envy and resentment when a fellow student does well.

Someone with a more advanced cas of show-off syndrome mau be in a frenzy of “impressive” activity . A common indication is drawing a line on a huge lastic drinking mug and informing anyone that this is where you filled the glass with vodka or some other hard liquor before filling the rest with grape Kool-Aid. There is usually a one-half to one inch exaggeration.

Perhaps the most damaging of all collegiate ailments is the fearful PUT-OFF PHOBIA. Victims of this affliction are recognized by their tired appearance and fried brains just before and during finals week. Other symptons are irritablity, reddening of the eyes and melted typewriter ribbons.

A common early warning signal of put-off phobia is a student who uses the phrase “plenty of time” an average of four or five minutes an hour.

This disease is the most contagious of all because it spreads a general bad feeling from one student to another at an alrming rate.

One final ailment, the most physically damaging is IN STYLEITIS. This disease compels its hapless victims to sacrifice life and limb and general health for the sake of being fashionable. An example would be some girls who would rather let their feet freeze than not wear those plastic slip-on whose during an arctic blitz. Another would be a guy who, during that same cold spell, would rather die of pneumonia than mess up his $50 haircut with a knit hat.

The main thing to remember is that these afflictions can strike anyone anywhere at any time. All of them basically cause social unrest and general confusion, not to mention hurt feelings, endless disputes and a huge amont of unnecessary worry. The only way to beat these illnesses is to give yourself a personal inspection every day and be able to recognize the symptoms early. Always be on guard.