I’m pretty sure I can be the caped crusader, guys

By Kelly Bauer

Maybe it’s a little ridiculous to say I’m thinking about becoming the Batman.

It’s just a thought, I swear.

After all, what good can a girl with no upper arm strength and little money do in this world?

Not a lot, it seems, despite what those inspirational posters want me to believe.

Yet, I keep thinking about it: How can I become as intelligent as Bruce Wayne? When can I hit up the gym so I can sculpt some pecks (or whatever happens at gyms)? How do I inherit millions of dollars after the untimely demise of my parents? And, dear God, how can I convince Michael Caine to be my butler?

It’s figures like Batman that transcend their medium and act as true inspirations to us all. I don’t need another poster that tells me to shoot for the moon (there’s no oxygen up there; your poster is encouraging death and someone needs to stop you). I need an example of greatness.

In a time when it seems like there are few real life inspirational figures — sorry, mom and dad, but those times you bought bootlegged DVDs have kind of killed the crimefighting magic — for children and mentally-children like myself, Batman gives us hope.

Batman encounters gangsters, the same types who threaten Chicago’s safety. Batman travels to Bhutan and Hong Kong, places that exist in our world. Batman takes down terrorists like the Joker, just as we want our heroes to do. It feels real.

Adversely, it’s the character’s unrealistic qualities that call to me and others. He’s the kind of person so many of us want to be. He kicks ass and takes names. He always finds a way to do what is most right — who else could have taken down the Joker without killing him?

We all want to be larger-than-life figures. We want to be immortalized as legends. So when I say I want to become the Batman, it’s not like I’ve gone crazy and suddenly love flying rodents. It’s that I’m struggling with an existence where I’m a girl with no upper arm strength and little money. I want to help people. I want to be suave and really attractive and rich.

We can’t all have that, though, because we don’t live the life Bruce Wayne (fictionally) did.

What we can do is follow his example and take to doing good through ways that are possible for us. I can use journalism to expose corruption and change the world. You, too, can do…similar things.

And for consistency, I’m going to start wearing a cowl and cape at the Northern Star office.