Suiting up pays off in certain situations

By Dan Martynowicz

I only dress nice for special occasions, like going to Walmart or the flea market. Most of the time my style is very college-student-y. I have an extensive collection of junior high T-shirts which make me look like The Incredible Hulk, ratty jeans and beer company polos.

This has been my style for years, but no more. Three events over the past year have forever changed my perspective on dressing up. These events shall henceforth be referred to as “Suit up: The Barney Stinson Chronicles.”

Chronicle 1, Traffic Court: Christmas Eve, I was pulled over for not wearing my seat belt, no license plates, no registration and no insurance. Twice. The tornado of fines and tickets resulted in a mandatory visit to the illustrious DeKalb County Court. I decided to wear a suit and tie. After two hours of waiting, I met with the prosecutor. He looked at me once and said, “Wait, why are you here?”

Me: “No registration, plates, insurance, or seatbelt.”

Prosecutor: “You can go, case dismissed. Nice tie.”

And that, dear friends, is how you win with a suit.

Chronicle 2, Demon Breath: Twice this year I’ve woken up and said, “You know what? I’m not showering today. I’m wearing last week’s jeans. I’m not brushing my teeth. I’m not shaving, and I don’t care what people say.”

Of course, I go to class that day to find the most beautiful female I’ve ever seen with an intellect to match that of Steven Hawking. I couldn’t even say “hello” for fear that my death breath would KO her quicker than Mike Tyson. This could have been avoided had I worn a suit and been more concerned with the gum disease, gingivitis.

Chronicle 3, Comfort: There is no such thing as comfort while in dress clothes. Wearing a tie is like being choked by Neal Patrick Harris on a hot day. However, it is better to look good than to feel good. Everyone understands how uncomfortable dress clothes are. If you’re willing to sacrifice comfort in the name of looking good, others will subconsciously think, “He/she is suffering right now. I respect that.”

Or they’ll just think you look really good and assume other nice things about you due to something called the “Halo Effect.” The theory is sound either way.