‘Arrested Development’ movie idea should stay dead

By Tony Martin

If someone had told me five years ago that we would see a “Wall Street” sequel before an “Arrested Development” movie, I wouldn’t have believed them.

However, here we are in 2010 and Michael Douglas is still crawling to collect another paycheck and the Bluth family is still on the ropes, awaiting an uncertain fate. That is why I am here to say something that will be extremely unpopular: I think we should put the idea of an “Arrested Development” movie to bed, once and for all.

Before I have to start wearing armor to class, let me first explain myself. “Arrested Development” is, without a doubt, the greatest television show of all time, bar none. The antics of America’s favorite and most dysfunctional family have been a big part of my life since its original run on FOX. If it wasn’t for them, phrases like “never nude”, “Mr. Manager”, and “Big Yellow Joint” would never have entered my vocabulary (at least the first two for sure). All of the characters were brilliantly written, the cameos were brilliant, and watching the show still to this day puts a big smile on my face.

So, Hollywood, do me a favor and protect its memory. Similarly to a historic landmark, “Arrested Development” need not be touched. Making a movie runs the risk of tarnishing the image of a show that was truly perfect. The story itself doesn’t need to be wrapped up; the hasty job done by the writers in the second half of the third season was a little rushed but still found a way to tie up the main plot line of the show. I insist that this movie be buried once and for all.

I have no faith anymore in its actors. Michael Cera has become a shell of himself, playing his George Michael character over and over again to dwindling box office returns. Will Arnett has proven time and time again that he was only truly funny in one role ever (Gob Bluth). Portia de Rossi is probably sipping chai tea and watching her wife Ellen DeGeneres dance somewhere to a live studio audience. I simply have no faith in the actors to try to get back into the characters that I loved so much.

The writers have also lost their credibility. Every six months, some new show comes out which is tagged with “from the creators/writers/actors of ‘Arrested Development’.” How many of those shows were any good? “Sit Down, Shut Up” lasted what, one season? “Freak Show” suffered the same fate. The reason these shows got canned is the same across the board: they were awful. Can we really trust these writers to come back to peak form to deliver a full length film that not only brings closure to the dozens of story lines we would all want to see finished?

I would have such impossibly high standards for this movie that it take be a monumental feat to satisfy it. To do the show justice, the movie would have to be as funny as “The Big Lebowski”–and lets be honest here, there will never be a movie as funny as “The Big Lebowski.” The show was brilliant and every episode had dozens of parts that made me laugh so loud I could wake the dead. So, let’s protect the integrity of the funniest show in the history of television, and stop a movie that will certainly be a let down.

America, as hard as it is, we have to let the Bluth family go.