Throughout human history, tragedy is something that unites people.

Tragedy takes many forms, and “Hurley” by Weezer is just the latest devastating train wreck that hopefully is the final nail in a career that has been boring since 1997. “Hurley” is so bad, it makes “Make Believe” sound like “Led Zeppelin II”. The songs range from mildly infuriating to so bad you might want to break whatever piece of electronic equipment it is playing from. “Smart Girls” is not only the worst Weezer song ever, but it may be the second worst song ever written (BrokeNCYDE being responsible for the worst).

“Hurley” is remarkable in the sense that it can be boring and repulsive at the same time. There is no way this is the same band that wrote “Pinkerton,” the hands-down best album of the improperly titled “emo” movement of the 1990s. These songs are just as sweaty and annoying as the dude from “Lost” that they put on the record cover, with any semblance of rock ‘n’ roll on this record negated by obnoxious keyboards.

There are Weezer fanboys and girls out there who still might enjoy this record, but they are lying to themselves. There is nothing redeeming about this record; it is listless, lazy, uninspired, laughably self-referential and downright insulting. Weezer owes its fans a decent record. Together, “The Green Album,” “Make Believe,” and “Raditude” had negative 3 good songs on them, and “Hurley” managed to take the worst parts of all these records and combine them into a black hole of despair. My computer doesn’t deserve these songs to be played from its speakers, and my iTunes account doesn’t need this on its conscience.

Has Rivers Cuomo gone completely insane? It looks more and more feasible. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, and Weezer’s fans are by that definition totally nuts. “Hurley” is worse than a car accident you can’t look away from; its a car accident that you are in. The song “All My Friends Are Insects” may be the song They Might Be Giants never wrote because it was so awful that human beings shouldn’t have had to deal with it. I will gladly pay Amnesty International to investigate this song regarding its possible classification as a violation of human rights.

Should that not be bad enough, they follow up that offensive pile of human waste with a cover of a Coldplay song.

Seriously? Coldplay? Coldplay is the most vanilla, pointless waste of electricity in the world. Worse than Nickelback. Yet Weezer decided to dedicate one of the tracks on their “deluxe edition” to that stupid cover.

“Hurley” is like getting food poisoning over and over again, for the rest of your life. This album is a tragedy. The only positives were when it was over, and the chance that it could be the end of Weezer’s career. Rivers Cuomo, goodnight, sweet prince. You were cool when I was about ten years old. Everything since then has just been awful garbage. “Hurley” may be the worst album of 2010.

The next stage of grief is acceptance, so I plan on throwing away the headphones I had to listen to this on.

SCORE: 0/5