Christmas time is here, hell’s bells and all the cheer, makes me want to vomit this time of year.

Hey, just call me Scrooge, the Grinch, a cynic, whatever, when it comes to the Christmas season, I am. Why, you ask? Does the word “commercialized” mean anything to you? That is what has happened to Christmas. It has become an advertiser’s wet dream and a shopper’s nightmare.

Just the other day when I went shopping (in September) I was attacked by a barrage of tinsel, garland and plastic neon trees that every department store insists on displaying at the earliest possible moment. Are they doing it because they have spirit? Au contraire mon frere. They are doing it so they can suck as much money out of you as possible (big marketing surprise).

Not only do you have to listen to every has-been yahoo sing Christmas carols, you are exposed to fake cheer. Fake cheer, defined as – those annoying little people who tell you to have a nice holiday season and don’t really mean it. I’ll just take care of that problem now – if you are a sales person, do not tell me to have a nice holiday because I’ll ask you to bend over so I can shove a reindeer up your butt.

Then there are the people I call Chreasters. These are the only times they go to church – Christmas and Easter. I can bitch at people for that because I don’t go, period (sorry Kevin, you haven’t converted me quite yet and I refuse to repent). I did go once because my mother and my sister wanted my father and I to go so we did. When I asked my sister how many of these people went to church weekly, she said about 10. Can’t you go to hell for acting like a martyr?

The absolute worst part of Christmas is the things you see that make you realize how lucky you are. Have you ever been to a shelter around Christmas time? It can be very sad and the only thing that makes it even more depressing is realizing that people are out buying Christmas presents and what not for their loved ones and not even thinking about the less fortunate.

I cannot be held guilty for that because although I do engage in gift-giving, every year I give what I can to the Salvation Army. I don’t know if the little bit I give makes a difference but I think it does. It makes me feel better on Christmas when I am surrounded by my family in a warm place with a turkey in the oven to know that maybe I made someone’s Christmas a little better.

If I didn’t, so sad, too bad, but at least I tried.

There are a few things you might want to do to make regain the true meaning of Christmas spirit. Just a few suggestions:

– Give someone a present that you normally wouldn’t. For example, your mailman. If you did, there probably would be fewer disgruntled postal workers (Jen).

– Have a drink with your favorite bartender. God knows they listen to enough of our sniveling and driveling to deserve a present of some sort. I recommend the Am Ex bartenders. I will not name them, however, because if I left one of them out they’d have a stroke (Pablo).

– Put up some mistletoe in a heavy traffic place (like mine and Tina’s apartment) and kiss away.

– Kick one of those annoying fake Santas in the nads. Make sure, however, that it is not the real one because if you rack Santa, you ain’t getting nothing for Christmas ever again no matter how nice you’ll be.

– Tip over a tin tree in a department store while screaming, “No more fake trees for me!”

Of course there are many activities you can engage in to regain your spirit, these are just a few suggestions that you sniveling victims of the system can do, but I doubt it will help.

Oh and by the way, have a happy holiday, ya’ll.