Rating: 1.5/10

STARRING

Emile Hirsch, Christina Ricci, John Goodman, Roger Allam

THE PLOT

Racing fiend Speed Racer (Hirsch) rejects corporate buyout from the the evil Royalton Industries, which then vows revenge. Who knew people cared so much about racing?

THE BAD

This movie was truly bad. It would be unfair to list the good parts of the film first, as there were so few that it would be a waste of time. Not only did it feature the worst fight sequence, hands-down, in the history of film, but when John Goodman cannot save a script, there are some problems.

The editing was lackluster and confusing, and the plot shifted gears (pun intended), leaving the audience in limbo and trying to figure out what was happening and in what order.

Also, for anybody who has no experience watching the show, the movie will seem pointless, as the backstory is neglected. The performance by Paulie Litt as Spritle, who is Speed’s brother, was downright offensive. Anybody paying to see this film should be presented the option to see Litt’s scenes without him in them.

THE GOOD

Some kids got busted for fooling around in the movie theater. Any other enjoyment gained from this movie is directly related to how much the viewer likes bright colors whizzing past the screen too fast to appreciate.

THE LOW-DOWN

Avoid this movie, avoid this movie, avoid this movie. The only reason that it gets a “1.5” rating is because that’s how many people left the theater thinking about how much fun it was to watch “Speed Racer.” When a movie starring Ashton Kutcher looks like the best opening flick of the weekend, something has gone drastically wrong.

Oh, John Goodman, why must thou forsake me?