It’s not every day your vice president shoots a guy

By Brayton Cameron

Dear Citizens of the United States of America,

Are you aware your vice president has shot someone? No? Well please allow me to tell you a bit about it.

While on a hunting trip in Texas, Vice President Dick Cheney shot millionaire attorney Harry Whittington. It appears this 78-year-old’s quick wit and courtroom experience was not enough to dodge the blast from Cheney’s shotgun.

That’s right, Whittington was shot with a shotgun. However, I believe the most interesting part is Cheney’s decision to wait 24 hours to report this accident to the public. Is this a sign of a conspiracy? Was Cheney interested in Whittington’s millions or wife? I guess we’ll never know as Whittington survived the shot.

According to Katharine Armstrong, the owner of the property where the accident took place, “the vice president picked out a bird and was following it and shot.” It seems Cheney planned on shooting a bird that was less that 6 feet in the air. It’s amazing he didn’t see Whittington if he was shooting so close to the ground.

Again, Whittington is all right and in stable condition, mostly because of Cheney’s on-call ambulance and team of medical personnel. It was good Cheney didn’t first shoot the medical professionals that seem to follow him around or Whittington would be in a great deal more trouble.

But if things had gone bad, it was good Whittington had been appointed to the Texas Funeral Service Commission by then Governor George W. Bush. I’m sure Whittington had plenty of chances to set up a sweet burial site just in case he was accidentally killed on a hunting trip with a powerful, influential political figure.