Atkins ain’t got nothing on this diet

By Chris Strupp

I want to go on a diet that is proven to help me lose weight but I don’t like all the low-carb ones. Do you know of any diets I might be overlooking?

Two years ago, I started a little fad known as the, “hopefully this works because last time it didn’t, but I’m going to try it again anyway for lack of better options” diet. The concept is quite simple and involves a three-pronged attack. In this diet, you will need three friends. One will help you spend the rest of the money you have in your wallet, another to eat the majority of the food that resides in your house and the other to remind you the jeans you are wearing do indeed make you look fat. How does this diet help you lose weight? Simple. You will get hungry and go to your cupboard to get some food and the only thing you will find is crackers. Then you will go to your refrigerator and find only mayonnaise. This is the meal my friend likes to call, “A meal fit for a king.” So, in actuality, my diet has no scientific basis at all. Then again, all of your money and food is gone and someone is telling you you’re fat; I think I’m on to something. I could be the next Atkins, minus being dead.

In a few of my classes, I sit in front of two or more people who feel it is necessary to talk through the entire class. And all their yapping doesn’t really involve the class. What can I do to make this insanity stop?

Like it or not, these ruthless, talking individuals have been encountered by more people than just you. My suggestion may or may not work, but if you are willing, then suggestion away. Wait about 15 minutes into the class when the lecture is going strong. Make sure they are in a consistent talking pattern that will not let up for at least another five minutes. Don’t use the “Shhhhh” technique because it will fail just like Michael Jackson’s chance to adopt. The “Shhhhh” will only get you laughed at. I suggest making a point to raise your hand to interrupt the professor’s lecture and say “Excuse me professor Van Damme. I didn’t hear the last point that you made. Oh, why didn’t I hear it? Well it may or may not be because of the two yammering idiots sitting behind me talking about how they failed their lady friend in a physical manner, AGAIN, last night. When they finish their conversation, then I’ll start listening again. So go ahead man, finish your story. I’ll wait. Oh, you’re done now? Proceed Van Damme, there’s some politics to learn about.” Sadly if you say any of that, it will backfire horribly. But nonetheless, I’ll give you a firm handshake if you do.

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