Ah ha! The administration got you again. I bet some of you poor, hapless students think this place is called Northern Illinois University because of geography. Well, the truth is out and I’ve learned what Northern Illinois really spells.

N is for no parking spaces, for students that is. While fee-paying NIU students waste gas and pollute the atmosphere searching for a place to park, the blue permit-holding elite are already comfortably settled.

O is for outrageous fees, like the $10 you cough up to replace your lost ID. O is also for the outrageous fines Parking Services charges students who can’t find a spot and park in a forbidden zone (see above).

R is for red tape, which can be found in great abundance in this bureaucracy. Those of you who have had to deal with Payroll and similar campus offices know the amount of paper-pushing that goes on.

T is for teaching assistants who no speak English well. They may be qualified in their field, but how can students expect to learn what they can’t even decipher?

H is for the Husked football team, decidedly the underdog in whatever conference they decide to join.

E is for the extra year most students will spend here trying to earn a bachelor’s degree. Graduating in four years is a hazy fantasy thanks to closed classes and fewer sections.

R is for robbery, with or without a household tool. DeKalb convenience stores seem to be meccas for thieves-to-be. Apparently, you don’t even need a weapon sometimes to make off like a bandit (pun intended).

N is for not enough cash stations around campus. Maneuvering around the construction on Lucinda or waiting in line forever at the student center are the only on-campus options.

I is for the IBHE, the board of “education” that wants to cut numerous university programs in the name of efficiency. What’s a discipline worth if it isn’t streamlined per state government’s criteria? Who needs library science anyway? Everyone knows how easy it is to organize and find things in a library the size of NIU’s own.

L is for La Tourette, our globetrotting president. When you’re freezing in a few months, just picture your tuition money sending La Tourette to the Bahamas and think warm thoughts.

L is also for the landlords who will swindle you any way possible. What security deposit?

I is for the insufferable Student Association. Someone in the SA always manages to create some scandal every year, without fail. They certainly are practicing to be real-world politicos.

N is for the nasty weather that pummels DeKalb. Why are the winds up here always 20 mph stronger than in Chicago? How many umbrellas does the average student go through here? My last one was torn asunder just this week by a torrential downpour and tornado-like winds. Of course, DeKalb winters are a subject all their own.

O is for the O Lot, which now comfortably houses the cars of numerous construction workers. Since when are construction workers faculty/staff of NIU? Maybe they could help NIU out by teaching some extra Gen. Ed. sections …

I is for the inconvenient construction that blockades all normal pedestrian paths across campus, not to mention rerouting the entire campus traffic pattern. And God knows construction provides the NIU community with a fine aesthetic scene. Never mind the drilling, grating noises at 6 a.m. If they’re up, what the hell are you still sleeping for?

S is for the pungent stench that fills the air when the wind blows from the right direction. There’s nothing like a little whiff of cow manure to start the morning off right. S is also for suburbia, where all those students lugging suitcases are bound every weekend.

So you see, it’s all spelled out for you. Now armed with the reality behind NIU, students can now concentrate on their battle against apathy.

But who really cares?