Human caddie alleviates stress

By Andrea Edl

After unloading boxes full of junk into a room the size of a crypt, students are attacking the time-consuming task of putting a dorm room together.

Those with new roommates fight over where the Avril Lavigne poster will be put up.

Those who have the same roommates as the previous year argue over the Pringles that mysteriously disappeared last year.

After all this stress, exertion, dust and dirt has come to rest near the end of the day, students grab their robes, towels and shower caddies and head to one of the only places offering solace in this high-stress time: the shower.

One would think the shower would be the perfect place to go to alleviate this stress. What could be better than rinsing away the dirt and stress of the day? I’ll tell you what – a human shower caddie.

In the past, students would carry cheap baskets crammed with everything needed for a comfortable shower experience into the stall with them.

These have proven to be very ineffective, however, in providing the user with a stress-free shower.

They often resulted in stubbed toes, tetanus (in the case of metal baskets), embarrassment, frustration (if the handle happened to break on the way back to your room scattering your toiletries all over the floor), impaled feet and general confusion.

Senior pre-physical therapy major Scott Kimmel, co-creator of the human shower caddie solution, has been living in the dorms for a year and is desperate for a solution to his shower basket problem.

“There is a hatred that resides in me that is reserved only for the plastic shower caddie,” he said.

“It broke on me once, and all my bath-time bottles tumbled to the floor, revealing my unnatural obsession with Nair.”

Providing every student with his or her very own human shower caddie not only alleviates the problems these awful baskets create, it provides students with a whole new level of calm – the ability to boss someone around.

Each human shower caddie would carry all the student’s toiletries in a special belt designed especially for him or her.

He or she would stand outside the student’s shower stall and wait patiently for a command from the student.

Upon request, the human shower caddie would have to instantly supply the student with the selected toiletry or suffer the harsh punishment of a wet-towel snap.

If the human shower caddie speaks, attempts to sneak a peek at the student, drops an item, or tries to sit down any time during the student’s shower session, they are to suffer the harsher punishment of having their head submerged in toilet water while it is being flushed.

Senior Rich Stonikas, a studio-art design major and the other creator of the solution, says, “I believe that the school’s money could not be more wisely spent than on the purchase of such a caddie for each student.”

So, as the evidence clearly shows, providing every student with his or her own personal human shower caddie would solve a wealth of problems.

Most importantly, it would help students focus more on the crucial aspects of the college experience, such as procrastination and rekindling relationships with their video games.

The shower experience is a very important part of a student’s day: it pretty much determines whether or not the day will be a good one.

Why not start the day off on the high note only a human shower caddie could provide?

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff.