North-south battle wages on

I’ve discussed a great local debate with my girlfriend many times that I thought might help those of you soon-to-be-graduates who are planning on moving to the great Windy City.

I was very dismayed to learn that my own girlfriend, born and bred on the South Side, is actually a closet Northside wannabe. I haven’t broke it to my folks yet.

How would the kids turn out? They’d be fist fighting in yuppie health clubs. I decided to do a little research on the subject that may be beneficial for others.

I may even write up a survey for people deciding whether to move to the South Side or the North Side.

As I thought of your basic survey-type questions: name, rank, IQ, pollution tolerance standard, body mineral water level, etc., I discovered a number of disqualifiers, beyond the obvious Sox fan, Cubs fan thing. If these questions can be absolutely answered with a yes or no, you must move to your respective side no exceptions. I think there’s a city ordinance or something.

1)Do you drive a Saab, Volvo, BMW or other pretentious, but road-safe vehicle? -North Side

2)Have you ever drank beer from a glass with ice cubes? -South Side

3)Can you use the word kharma in a sentence? -North Side

4)Has your wardrobe been updated since 1989 or Do you know what a “wardrobe” is (A double “no” score on this would force you in the farthest Southeastern corner of Chicago -Hegewisch.) -South Side

5)Are you unsure whether there’s intelligent life south of the Art Institute? -North Side

6)Do you say threepeat or tree-peat? -North Side, South Side

7)Do you think grunge is the dirt on the bottom of your jeans? -South Side

8)Do you now or have you ever owned rollerblades? -North Side

9)Can you identify with Beavis and/or Butthead? -South Side.

10)Do you enjoy the taste of ice coffee? -North Side

11)Do you think ice coffee is for sissies? -South Side

12)Does pollution irritate your sinuses? -North Side

13)Do you think sinus irritation is for sissies? -South Side

14)Do you own any neon or spandex clothing? -North Side

15)Can you identify handguns by gunfire sound? -South Side

16)Do you own a mountain bike? -North Side

17)Do you own a stolen mountain bike? -South Side

18)Do you have difficulty pronouncing ethnic names? -North Side.

19)Could you care less about pronunciation? -South Side

20)Would you enjoy an evening at the opera? -North Side

21)Would you enjoy an evening of smelt fishing and Little Kings on Lake Michigan? -South Side

22)Have you ever attended a gay rights parade? -North Side

23)Have you ever thrown rocks at a gay rights parade? -South Side

24)Are you on the J. Crew mailing list? -North Side

25)Do you think J. Crew is a rap group? -South Side

26)Have you ever been to a tanning booth? -North Side

27)Would you like a place to park your vehicle? -South Side (unless you have tall cash)

28)Do you think Steve Stone is a “real hoot”? -North Side

29)Have you or any of your relatives ever worked in a steel mill? -South Side

30)Would you like to visit a steel mill one day? -North Side

I hope these items will help make your future real estate search a little easier. Chicago is the greatest city in the world, but don’t end up in the wrong part of town. The entire survey will soon be available.