Episode XVI: Pope’s Revenge

By Brayton Cameron

I have decided to do a small experiment.

On my way to class, I showed 10 people two pictures. One was of Pope Benedict XVI, the most recent of popes, and the other was Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars.

I’ll admit I was inspired to do this column after searching for information about the new pope and seeing the plethora of Web sites devoted to the likeness of these two men.

Regardless, I showed these 10 people the two pictures. Remarkably, all 10 of them agreed the pope and the emperor shared similarities in their chilling visages.

Ten people were asked, and 10 agreed. For those not good at percentages, that means 100 percent of the people asked support this claim. If we consider these 10 people to be a representation of all people in American, we can assume 100 percent of Americans think the same thing. Why? Because Pope Benedict XVI does look like Emperor Palpatine.

The similarities do not end at appearance. The Web sites go on to discuss “the Force” and God as well as the empire vs. the entire Catholic following. There is a great deal of information available to read about these two individuals.

Why is this important for you to consider? The simple answer is it isn’t. But I am talking about it anyway as I am a member of the American media and I must fulfill my duty to trivialize all things and detract from any real issues involved with politics.

Only in America would the media spend more time talking about the size of the heads of their presidential candidates than they would talking about political opinions. Only in America does physical appearance on television help you win important elections and gain favor.

It is fair to say the media in this country are used more as a way to manipulate people than they are to discuss anything politically charged. That is why it is my duty not to discuss anything that important about the pope, but to focus on his appearance instead.

I do not know what it takes to be a good pope, if there are such qualifications. If we were to look at the long history of people the Catholics claim to be false popes (32 out of 265, or 12 percent), we can see the election process is not exactly foolproof. Perhaps the College of Cardinals doesn’t know what makes a good pope either. It did, after all, elect Julius II, who is often referred to as the “Warrior Pope.” I may be missing something, but I don’t think making an army and claiming land for the papacy by force is very pope-ish.

Alas, it seems I have gotten off topic and have not spent enough time discussing how the pope’s outfit looks like a jumpsuit Elvis would have worn, but I’ll save that for later.

Views and opinions in this humor column do not necessarily reflect those of the Northern Star and its staff. Send questions and comments to BCameron@northernstar.info