Secretary of Homeland Urination

By Chris Strupp

On a recent trip to Chicago, I saw a homeless man using the American flag like a blanket. Does this constitute an act of terrorism?

My fellow American, this is George Bush’s America. Of course it is terrorism. As we speak, the government has planned a full-fledged attack on this homeless man who, according to surveillance photos, was last seen humping the flag while giving those passing by a thumbs-up. He is considered armed with liquor and extremely smelly. This man and his flag are about to cause taxpayers to pay up the rear at an estimated cost of $75 million a day. How is this plan justified? Well, obviously, your intelligence was good enough for the government to start “Operation Street Pisser.” I mean, faulty intelligence got us into one war. Why not another?

Every time my roommate goes out, he comes home with useless items that tend to clutter up our apartment. What should I do about this?

Commend your roommate. He is helping a capitalist society produce even more crap. For every dollar he spends, another Mr. T action figure with kung-fu grip that transforms into a coffin signifying a failed career is made. Why, just the other day, I came across a cement donkey who I have come to affectionately call Pepe. Without people like your roommate, Pepe would never have been made and I would have no one to speak to of my utter hatred … uh … dislike I have toward my roommate.

My girlfriend is always scared when there is a thunderstorm. What should I do to console her?

The best policy is to be honest with her. Every time there is a big boom, just tell her it was God getting a strike and the rain signifies the angels crying. Obviously God likes to bowl every single day and by the sound of the thunderstorm I heard last week, he seems to average a 215. The concern should not be on consoling her, but figuring out whether God rents his shoes. Since he is omnipotent and can take care of any problem, he wouldn’t have to worry about the last person using the shoes having athlete’s foot. So why would he waste his money buying shoes? My friend, he would not. It’s just not his style.

Views expressed in this humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or its staff. Send comments or questions to cstrupp@northernstar. info