Oh, how I long for the simpler days of communication! I know I don’t look old, but back in my day, when we wanted to write a quick note to a friend, we had to get our quill pens out, find a piece of animal hide (or, for those people living in Naperville, vellum), make ink out of berries and scratch out our message in cryptic hieroglyphics. Then we had to go to the birdcage, grab a pigeon, tie the note to its little leg and fling it in the general direction we needed it to fly. Then we’d eagerly wait for the reply message, which may or may not arrive before we graduated from high school, or died from causes related to old age.

Yes, those were the days. Perhaps I exaggerate, but I remember when my friends first got this weird thing called “The Internet,” which they could use to search out vital academic information or, more commonly, locate pictures of naked ladies. Technology has really advanced since then. Now, Web sites will actively target YOU, eliminating the need to search out the pictures of naked ladies.

But there’s one aspect of this “Internet” which really hasn’t ever evolved over time. No, pervs, it’s not the naked lady thing again. Sheesh, ask your mom to get you a cable modem already. The vital element that still flummoxes most people is how to best communicate with others using the net. People honestly do not seem to understand that when they communicate with others, be it via e-mail or instant messenger or what have you, their words and meanings actually do still carry some weight.

One of the best examples of this is the total incomprehension of people on what is, and what is not, a suitable e-mail address. I cannot but attempt to stifle a smile whenever I encounter a beautiful resume, complete with beautiful bullet points, printed on beautiful resume paper, with a proud e-mail address proclaiming: [email protected]. I also like [email protected], [email protected] and [email protected].

Potential members of the workforce please take note: Never change your crazy e-mail addresses! They invoke a little bit of your own personality, showing your potential boss that you are an uncompromising individual – someone who will not bow to the pressures of the office.

Another element, which is seemingly lost on a great number of folks, is that writing an e-mail to one of your professors might necessitate the utilization of slightly different language than an e-mail designated for your girlfriend. Therefore, not capitalizing your name, using “u” for “you,” “4” instead of “for” or beginning the e-mail with “hi prof. Erickson, what is up?” might not be the best ways to ingratiate yourself to your teachers.

But then again, what am I talking about? All those little idiosyncrasies just show your instructors what a free spirit you are – you won’t be confined by stodgy old pedantic rules of communication. So when you write an e-mail demanding a higher grade in which you misspell the teacher’s name, don’t capitalize letters beginning a sentence and fail to use the correct language tenses, they definitely don’t see that as sloppy writing! They’re just impressed by how much of your character comes through in your communication. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go tan an elk hide. I’ve got a big term paper to write.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff.