As the white, no, black, no, gray – no, it’s white, definitely white, (black!) no, surely you can tell the obvious, it’s white! As smoke billowed from a chimney perched atop the Sistine Chapel, I had to wonder … Why hadn’t I been chosen as the next Pope? Why hadn’t I even been asked? Sure, I’m neither a Roman Catholic, a cardinal nor a male, but still, I think I’ve done a lot to earn at least scant consideration for the position.

Take this weekly diatribe to the public in which I put forth the most painful and personal little tidbits from my own pathetic life, in the hope of educating the masses and getting a cheap laugh at my personal expense. Do you think that I enjoy that everyone knows I run in oversized T-shirts? Or that there’s a possibility I put cat-ear medicine in my eye? This kind of reputation hurts, it really does. But if that’s what it takes to help even one person, I’ll do it, damn it. Sniff. And if that’s not the kind of humanitarian effort the cardinals are looking for, I don’t know what is.

But now, the sacramental God staff has been passed to Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, who, by some crazy reasoning, quickly adopted the pope name of Benedict XVI.

Mistake number one: Don’t shun your own hilarious name in lieu of a stodgy, boring one. Even now, a few days after the announcement, I find myself unable to shake the habit of screaming, Jon Stewart-esquely, “Ratzinger!” His name also works quite well if you shout it like Simpson’s character Superintendent Chalmers yelling at Principal Skinner, but it’s not like I know a great deal about that animated show or anything. Now, I’ve given it a lot of thought, at least 15 to 35 seconds, and I’ve come up with a slew of better pope names. Despite the ultra-conservative stance that Ratzinger will, no doubt, continue to follow for the duration of his popish career, he could still choose a moniker which gives him far more “street cred.” Names such as “JJ Rat,” “Zingy IV,” “Benny” or “Benedict-XXX: Revenge of the pope” would help him to connect with “the people,” as long as those people aren’t homosexuals, non-Catholics, scientists who perform stem-cell research or women with aspirations of becoming priests.

And there are other things that BB Top can do to increase his bonds with the public. I would like to take this opportunity to advise the new pope to grasp every chance he has to break-dance. The late Pope John Paul II didn’t even try to break-dance when a group of youths preformed for him in January 2004. Sure, he gave them his blessing, but really, how does a blessing compare to the pontiff busting out with a Halo, switching over to a six-step and pulling it all together with some wicked 1990’s? At 78, Ratzinger is a whole five years younger than the pope was at that time, so I don’t see any reason for him to stay on the sidelines.

While many rejoiced upon hearing the name of the new pope announced, others simply expect more of the same and are disappointed at the prospect of the church being further divided. It’s a shame, really. Because with me as pope, all people would have to worry about me splitting would be my heinous Hanglides.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff.