Fore! It was recently announced that beginning in 2006, the British Open tournament will allow women to compete. There is even the possibility that golfer Michelle Wie might participate this summer.

I say, go for it, ladies! Ever since reality TV professional Jessica Simpson said that her boobs get in the way of her golf game, the sport, for women, has really suffered some setbacks. The entrance of female golfers into major tournaments could be the crucial turnaround the sport so desperately seeks.

Of course, I’m only claiming to be a modest expert of golf. My main exposure to the game is watching guys throw themselves at the “Golden Tee” machines from halfway across the bar. But it’s easy to tell, in these situations, that you are in the presence of true athletes. These tavern gladiators pace, anxiously waiting their turn, pursing their beer-flecked lips and wiping the sweat from their bleary eyes. Taking a deep drag from a cigarette, they charge toward the game, arm up, wrist cocked and ready to flick the spinning thingy that makes the electronic ball fly. Wow. It’s truly poetry in motion. But I can’t complain, I’m usually at the other end of the bar trying not to stab people with a plastic dart. (In my time, I’ve been blacklisted from a few bars due to my crouching-tiger-impaled-eye-ball maneuver. Beautiful.)

But I do hope that professional female golfers will take advantage of the fact that none of the majors in the United States have any policy that bans women from competition. I’d do it, just for effect and to make a point, but I’m in the middle of training for a big game of Cricket.

And let me not be mistaken by those who cannot grasp the full and delicate subtlety of what we call “humor.” I do not mean to mock female golfers, or any golfers, for that matter. Save for Nintendo’s “Mario Golf,” in which I, as Princess Toadstool, was verbally humiliated and repeatedly attacked by Donkey Kong, I’ve never even played the game.

Furthermore, I participated, at as professional a level available at the time, in an athletic activity almost more ripe for serious mockery than curling. I played ultimate Frisbee. This is not to be confused with Frisbee golf. It is near impossible to play ultimate Frisbee and drink at the same time, which I hear is a major perk to Frisbee golf. Also, ultimate Frisbee does not involve a lot of walking around and searching for missing drivers. That is, of course, unless you’re playing with a group of older people, who tend to be more lax about the whole thing.

I was lucky enough to be part of a women’s team, but we frequently had games with the men’s team as well. Ultimate Frisbee, just like golf, is a game of concentration, finesse, shoes with spikes and truly ugly pants. Women, if they were fast enough and skilled enough, could definitely hang in the same league as the guys. So, to female golfers, and to female athletes in general, I say, get out there and enjoy your sport! Break gender stereotypes and compete at the best level possible. Just don’t vent your frustrations at me; I’m still reeling from the haranguing I received from that damn monkey.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff.