This is it! My ship has finally come in, and I am going to be more famous and well known than Paris Hilton’s hijacked Blackberry/iPod/jewel-encrusted nail file. And, since I like you, you silent and generally unwashed masses, I am going to share my new-found secret of success.

There are people in Nigeria who want to just give you free money! Yes! All you have to do is provide them with your most essential and confidential information: name, Social Security number, name of your high school crush, bank account information, the name of the stuffed animal you hide from your roommate but can’t sleep without (mine is Bunky, the cutest damn rabbit in the world), your class schedule, mother’s maiden name and blood type. And it’s such an easy decision to make. These people are obviously trustworthy, and you know it’s true because they pinkie swear on it.

Here’s an actual e-mail I received, and the first clue I am about to become one wealthy gal: “Hello Mrs. Elizabeth. How are you Dear, I am Mrs. LINDA RITA from NIGEIRA.” See, I knew right then and there this lady was legitimate. Only when people are truly sincere do they call me Mrs. Elizabeth, misspell the name of their country and put their name in all caps. I was sold already. But it got better. Mrs. RITA explained to me that her late husband has $9 million in an account that he told the bank was for the importation of a cocoa-processing machine. It was clear she had definitely e-mailed the correct person. I too, like her deceased husband, had always wanted to import a cocoa-processing machine of my very own. At this point I was frantically scrambling to write down all of my financial information in a handy place.

But, as much as I wanted to help this lovely woman, I was soon tempted by yet another tantalizing offer. This came from the gorgeous, war-ravaged country of Zimbabwe: “From the desk of Dr Ben Adams, Dearest Friend, Before I introduce myself, I wish to inform you that this letter is not a hoax mail and I urge you to treat it serious and as top secret.” OK, so I’m really bad at keeping secrets, and I can only hope that Dr Ben Adams doesn’t happen to pick up a copy of the Star today, otherwise he’ll know that I’ve breached his trust. But, more importantly, he gave me his assurances this e-mail was not a hoax mail and should be treated serious, and, as a sap, I believed him. My Dearest Friend, Dr Ben Adams, obviously took English 103 and learned about the importance of audience awareness.

Being faced with so many decisions on who to help gain access to hidden trust funds and bank accounts in countries with not-so-stable infrastructures was quite daunting. Do I go with Ben Adams, a doctor? Do I invest with Mrs. LINDA RITA, a grieving widow? Decisions, decisions. So I just chose to cover my bases and help everyone. I expect to start receiving money soon, and it couldn’t come at a better time, because for some reason, some oversight by me, I’m sure, I keep bouncing my checks! Weird, isn’t it? But I’m not worried. In case of a disaster, I have the best law firm on permanent retainer. Perhaps you’ve heard of them – the Law Offices of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff.