I think I’ve finally built up enough trust between us, gentle reader, to expose one of my deepest, darkest and most earth-shattering secrets. I am an “American Idol” reject. Yes, it’s true. Any day now you’ll see me in the outtake reel, dressed in an ill-fitting red T-shirt and white pants, butchering the fine Carol King song, “I Feel the Earth Move.” I don’t think I did too shabby, either.

Wait a second – that wasn’t me! I wouldn’t wear white pants! I wouldn’t set foot on a Fox-sponsored television show! I wouldn’t subject myself to the critical scrutiny of a musical “artist” like Mark McGrath! But lots of people do, and they take the subsequent abuse as eagerly as an Army Corps trainee. “Yes sir, Mr. Simon, I am a crappy singer, may I please have another, sir?” Truthfully, I’m not one of the 450 billion people who claim rabid fanship to “American Idol” because it’s not my cup of reality TV. People actively seeking humiliation just makes me embarrassed for them. They make me wonder what sort of sadists their friends and family are to allow them to become the human equivalent of a car crash.

But many of these poor souls can be excused because they seem so earnest about it. They honestly look crestfallen when the panel of judges explains to them they stink big time and should no longer harbor the delusion that they can produce tolerable sounds. And that’s another thing: Would you be content to have that be the crowning achievement of your life – judging “American Idol”? When standing at the threshold on judgment day, would it be helpful or harmful to have the most memorable bullet point on your resume be “Judge for Fox’s ‘American Idol’: mocked, scorned and caused excessive amounts of weeping to unfortunate souls attempting to achieve fame and fortune and was forced to consume great quantities of free Coke?”

So really, the next move is clear. “American Idol” should team up with “Survivor,” except in this version, the rejected contestants don’t have to play games or try to win food. They must only rely on their truly amazing vocal skills to charm the natives and avoid being eaten by wild animals. Can’t soothe a cobra with your powerful rendition of “My Heart Will Go On?” Too bad!

Another show I believe would be perfect if combined with the “Survivor” concept would be the uber-vapid MTV show, “My Super Sweet 16.” On this show, producers try to push the limits of American tolerance by filming teeny-boppers as they plan their 16th birthday parties. The one in current rotation (and I swear I only saw this while trying to find music – I know, music, MTV, what was I thinking?) features a girl who wants a party with an Arabian Nights theme. She gets it. She wants a new Range Rover. She gets it. She wants a $10,000 dress. She gets it. Yet again, MTV has triumphed in making the 12-to-23 year-old set realize how crappy their lives really are by showcasing the spoiled childhoods of other people! Taa daaa!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go practice my poses. Auditions for “America’s Next Top Model” are right around the corner.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff.