Remember the saying, “If a tree falls in the woods and there is no living creature to hear it, does it make a sound?” That is the most perplexing question in history.

This week I went into the firing squad of mind-boggling questions when I joined NIU’s Philosophy Club.

Every Thursday night at DuSable Hall, these students enlighten one another with hard-hitting theories about life and the existence of a good “barley pop.” The group started the club last semester and hopes to attract thought-provoking discussions. Or do they really?

“The club was started to form a community among philosophy majors,” vice president Jason Sullivan said.

This week was no exception to mind-blowing subject matter when professor Mylan Engel Jr. examined moral individualism and our duties to animals. The topic focused on what constitutes moral consideration.

I will take “moral humanism and dilemmas” for $2,000, Jack.

Four men and a dog are on a boat. Of the men on the boat, one has a peg-leg, the other an eye patch, another a parrot permanently attached to his forehead and the other has a cold. The boat is going to sink unless one of the men or dog takes a plunge into Davey Jones’ locker. In this situation, who would be thrown over first? Without skipping a beat, a majority of humans would say the dog goes first.

Maybe that should not be the case because the dog has as much stake in wanting to stay alive. Do not all humans/animal life forms deserve equal moral consideration? It is awfully convenient for humans to decide what is right and wrong when it comes to human rights.

I’d say the guy with the parrot on his forehead goes first. No one likes a freak.

“We are concerned about the limits of knowledge and what we know and don’t know,” Engel said.

One of the main points of Engel’s lecture debated eating animals instead of infants, the senile or the mentally handicapped. Engel suggests to those wanting to go out and have a rib-eye or hamburger made from an animal, why not have a nice “tard sandwich”? Mmm, mmm, good.

The second half of the talk focused on ethical vegetarianism. I am proud the group provided vegan snacks. Well played, well played indeed.

If Americans cut meat out of their diets and only grew and used grain instead, world hunger could be eradicated. The conversion rate for grain to beef is 13 pounds of grain for every one pound of beef. That’s a lot of food and it would only cause farmers to wake a tad earlier in the morning.

Let’s be careful about this, though, my fellow Americans. If we stopped eating meat and only indulged our cravings on grain products, the terrorists win. All of President Bush’s hopes and dreams could be foiled by vegans.

After a night of giving my brain some exercise, I felt all my questions were answered except one.

Philosophy Club, just how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

Views expressed in this weekly humor column do not necessarily reflect the Northern Star or of its staff. Send questions or comments to [email protected]