For those of you who missed my Aug. 3 column in the Northern Star, let me update you on my dilemma. Training for community advisers in the residence halls began Aug. 4, and auditions for the next “American Idol” were in St. Louis Aug. 8. I couldn’t be in two places at once. So I was forced to choose, essentially, between two dreams: singing and following my heart, or being a CA and making school more affordable.

I have total confidence in my vocal ability, but I do not have confidence in the “American Idol” auditioning process. The producers put you through two auditions before they begin taping for television, but there is a large possibility that one may not be seen because of time limitations.

I chose to be sensible. I will be a CA this academic year. After talking with many people, I’ve taken the approach that this has a hidden purpose for me and that my opportunity will come again. I have also decided that this year will be used to perfect my craft with more performance hours and varied styles. “American Idol” probably wasn’t going to work out anyway. Right?

Nope. I was wrong. Apparently, auditioning wouldn’t have been a complete risk. Someone I know – someone who could have taken me with him to the auditions in St. Louis – will be going to Hollywood. Imagine my sheer delight as he told me the producers saw everyone there. He had the opportunity to sing only eight words. All I would have needed was eight!

I knew I would regret whatever decision I made, but I didn’t know it would be like this. I didn’t know I would feel totally drained and tired. Everything has become hindered. It’s harder to laugh; it’s harder to smile; it’s harder to focus. It was a big decision – and I didn’t know that it would feel like the wrong one.

On the flip side, I am a great CA. My job is more than just a job to me, and I will produce the best work I can for my staff members, my residents and myself. But training was difficult because my heart wasn’t in it.

As much as I’ve tried, I know it will be some time before I come to terms with my decision.

However, I must be realistic. In the meantime, while I’m waiting to come to terms with it – it sucks. I’ve always been the one to say: “It’ll work out.” But do you know how hard that is? The part that comes between the decision and the decision working itself out just sucks.

Maybe it will be easier now that the date of the auditions has passed, but with everyone asking “Why didn’t you go?” – the same question I’ve asked myself a million times – it just hurts. Several people even called to tell me I should have gone. Others have said that I made the right choice because not all impulses should be followed.

In any event, the decision has been made, and I will make the most of it. No matter how much I complain, I know deep down that all things work for good. This is just one of those things that’s going to take a little longer.

Columns reflect the opinion of the author and not necessarily that of the Northern Star staff.