Gary Condit disappears, O.J. Simpson slides past the courts again, California Gov. Gray Davis escapes fire and where, oh where are Batman Bill Clinton and Robin Al Gore? Did anyone remember the World Series or Michael Jordan’s return Tuesday night? How many times have we rescheduled the Emmy’s now?

Only one thing could overshadow an entire nine months of sensational events.

It’s 45 times smaller than the width of a human hair and can move easily through the pores of a common sheet of paper.

It’s not a bird. It’s not a plane. And, no, it’s not Ally McBeal. It’s an invisible agent from an unknown enemy: Anthrax.

Some will say that anthrax really isn’t a massive threat and it’s not something we should be worried about.

So far, only four people have died from inhalation anthrax, another six are reported to harbor the disease.

As of yet, the bacterium — yes, it’s a bacterium, not a virus — has not made its way past the East Coast.

Leaving West Coast psychiatrists to deal with yet another form of an inferiority complex.

The fact remains that you have a greater chance of getting struck by lightning or finding a decent parking space on campus than opening a letter addressed to you with love from Osama bin Laden.

Look how it dominates our thoughts and actions, though. CNN has turned into the “all misery, all the time” network.

Where are the quirky facts and cheesy features on the evening news? You don’t hear much anymore about that one exceptional student in high school … unless of course he won first place at the science fair for his revolutionary approach to gas masks.

I certainly don’t advocate we go back to gorging ourselves with the meaningless crap of yestermonth. I don’t think I could stand it if America went back to asking the question “How low can Britney Spears’ pants go?” That in itself is a disease bin Laden unintentionally helped us cure.

But America is suffering an even worse fate than the effects of anthrax. We, as a society, have fallen victim to BNS: Breaking News Syndrome.

I have read a column by Inigo Thomas at slate.com, that the afflicted cannot turn off their televisions; that they are losing sleep for fear of missing new developments whether they be in Rudy Giuliani’s mansion or in Pocahontas County, West Virginia. Their faulty performance in the workplace has lead to a lack of production, causing the CEOs to pop blood pressure medication like candies for fear of losing investors, but who really cares because the stock brokers are too engrossed in indiscernible pictures of bomb sites to notice the scrolling marquees.

What are we really looking at when they flash those bombing films anyway? Looks a lot to me like bad, imitation Atari graphics of the early ’80s.

The only people who are getting anything out of this is the media. Like a baby out of the womb, you are naive and you need to be coddled, comforted and nurtured. Who better than Paula Zahn — she looks like she would eat her own young — and Wolf Blitzer (I remember when he was just a lowly White House correspondent) and the suspender-wearing Larry King? What a family portrait that would be.

The only cure for Breaking News Syndrome is to throw all your communication equipment out the window — television, radios, pagers, cell phones, computers and yes, your Ninja Turtles walkie-talkies are included — then pack all your things, and go live like a hermit in the mountains. Anthrax hasn’t made it to Canada yet, and I hear the Yukon is quite nice this time of year.

For those of you with a shred of control left, simply turn off the TV and cancel your e-mail subscription to CNN’s Breaking News.

Kick back and relax with a good ol’ fashioned book, and rest easy as you breathe in the fresh air.