Men are funny creatures. I’ve been studying them now for a good 20 years, and I can definitely say they’re funny.

Just the other day, I walked into Wal-Mart to replenish my bottled water supply, because I’d like my unborn children to have 10 fingers and 10 toes. I got in line behind two guys who were having a conversation that — if I caught it all correctly — went something like this:

Alpha male: “Rrr … cheese puffs, grrgin Pepsi.”

Beta male: “Yeah … cheese puffs … huh. And Doritos, rah and … urrhh … milk.”

Alpha male: “He he. Moo.”

After I wiped my eyes and caught my breath, I came to two conclusions.

1. The typical male vocabulary is limited to single-syllables and various intonations of the same grunt.

2. Guys like dairy products, especially any orange processed cheese.

As per my translation, I would say these two were discussing their grocery list, but without the Rosetta Stone, I’d say I’m quite lost as to the meaning of the guttural utterances.

My theory is that there is an intelligent and expansive vocabulary underneath those Cretaceous exteriors. They simply wish to hide them to mollify society’s view of masculinity.

In other words, they’re just trying to reinforce the fact that they are indeed male.

Vocabulary is not the only area where men feel they have to prove their masculinity. I’ve also examined the world of entertainment, namely sports.

In my experience, if you mention you have tickets to a game between the Green Bay Packers and the Chicago Bears, a sea of blue and orange-painted faces will clash with a wave of beer-guzzling guys with helmets made of cheese with the force of all the people in China jumping up and down at the same moment.

But, hint that the Joffrey Ballet Company will present “Swan Lake,” and they slink back to the couch with their team pennants tucked between their legs.

There is an endless list of differences between Mars and Venus, but when it comes to entertainment, you’d be surprised how similar the two can be.

I’m a big fan of football — Dallas is going all the way this year! — and I’m a big fan of the ballet. My friends don’t quite understand how I can be dually entertained. I try to explain that the two are like vanilla ice cream — sometimes you want plain vanilla and sometimes you want French vanilla.

There is a little known fact that men try to hide from women; football and ballet are pretty much the same thing.

Football is nothing more than full-body contact ballet with a hard rockin’ soundtrack.

Scoff if you wish, but let’s examine the evidence.

I shall, for the purposes of this column, assume that male ballet dancers are the enlightened members of the masculine population.

Otherwise, the end zone is the only place where a man is not afraid to dance.

Male ballet dancers wear tight pants showing off their muscles. Football players wear tight pants and lots of padding to give the illusion that their muscles are bigger than a male ballet dancer’s. The shows are choreographed and practiced in the hopes of a great cheer emanating from the crowd.

After 20 years, I realize that men aren’t all that complicated. Essentially, men just want a big pat on the back for being men.

With that, I can say to my male readers, good job, boys! Keep on making us laugh in the Wal-Mart lines. Urrhhh … football rules.