Out of weens

By now it is depressingly clear to everybody that all the weens are hallow. The children weep and the adults shrink back in nervous shame.

Most families couldn’t afford weens this year. No one has dreamed about buying a solid ween. They are completely beyond the reach of all but the most obnoxiously wealthy.

None of the candidates dared to address the ween issue. “A solid ween for every citizen!” Any candidate who made such a fanciful promise would be cruelly mocked and rode out of town on a rotten pumpkin.

ollsters secretly babbled about “candidate dysphoria” and the “weenless event horizon,” an event so terrible that discussing it would be irresponsibly alarmist.

Everyone wonders how America ever let the ween industry go overseas. It hurts too much to think about the good old days. Then, every kid had a solid ween. Maybe that’s it, we took the weens for granted.

If weens ever become accessible again, let’s promise ourselves that we won’t take them lightly. If we all pull together, America could become a happy, ween-filled land. Hope you had a Happy Halloween.

Peter J. Gogola

DeKalb Resident