Ask Madelaine: Response to ‘Feeling Pressured’


May Taing

Illustration design courtesy of May Taing.

This week’s advice column focuses on a new relationship, communication and the pressure that can come with it.

I’m 19 and I’m a virgin. I’m not doing it for any religious reasons, it’s just that I haven’t found the right person yet. I just started dating “Joe” and I really like him, but it’s still early in the relationship. He keeps telling me he loves me (we’ve been dating for 4 weeks) and I feel like it’s rushed. I worry he is just saying that so I will have sex with him. Help!

Feeling Pressured

One thing you should never feel in a relationship is pressure, especially when it comes to having sex and how early it is in the relationship. 

The main thing I would suggest is that you sit down and have a conversation with “Joe” about how you are feeling and how you personally do not want to have sex unless you feel that you have found the right person. 

Is he aware that you want to wait? Has he brought up sex at all when talking with you? Does he only tell you that he loves you when you are both in a situation where that could happen?

If not, then “Joe” may just not know where you are at, and having a conversation with him could help clear any misunderstandings or miscommunications. Since it is so early in the relationship, it is alarming that you are already feeling so much pressure, and if he is a good guy, then when you both have that conversation, he will be nothing but understanding. This might also be a good time to figure out what you both want from the relationship and if both of you see it as a long-term thing.

If he is aware of all of those things and you still feel pressured, then that is a whole different story. Let him know that you feel everything is rushed and that you would like to take it slow, and that if he’s not interested in that, then this isn’t the right relationship for either of you.

Either way, if he doesn’t apologize and let you know that he is interested in you for your personality and for you as a person, then you may want to think about if this relationship is even worth continuing.

The most important things are that you do not feel pressured to do anything that you do not want to do and that you sit down with “Joe” and have an honest conversation about how you are feeling and what you are thinking.