An SA election guide to scandals

Student Association elections are today and tomorrow, but let’s be honest, do you really know who you’re going to vote for? Well, here’s my guide to assist you, including details on all of the scandals (after all, it wouldn’t be an election without them).

Let’s skip the vice president and treasurer races. Everyone knows vice presidents don’t do a thing besides attend funerals. If you must vote, choose Jennifer Sarro for VP and Tony Lopykinski for treasurer.

As for the SA presidential race, put on your helmet because this one’s a trip. The choices here are enough to make you split your side with laughter.

Our first candidate, Maurice Thomas, tried to milk the university out of money on personal long-distance phone calls. Then when he tried to cover up the scandal, he couldn’t even get his story straight. How can he make a good politician if he can’t even lie the right way? All of the campaign violations sure don’t add up in his favor either. Please do not vote for this future Richard Nixon, or you might be hearing “I’m not a crook!” all over again.

Next up is Gino Barrto. The man swears during interviews, has his hands in more cottage industries (ie, “Gino’s Italian Ice”) than the mafia and based his whole campaign around cutting down his opponents in lieu of any real solutions. Barrto couldn’t persuade a skin cancer victim to buy sunscreen on a hot beach, so how could he influence the NIU administration? Far be it for me to perpetuate Italian stereotypes, but Barrto’s damn campaign billboard on the Huskie Bus talks about the mafia throwing him off of a building. What’s next, Godfather commercials?

Daniel Bryant hasn’t done much campaigning, but he’s taken plenty of time to become Barrto’s sparring partner. Barrto used some rather colorful language to describe Bryant during an InterFraternity Council meeting. Well, the next day Bryant confronted Barrto and the two nearly had a pull-apart brawl. Yeah, that’ll solve things guys. Remember while an SA senator, Bryant came to a meeting dressed up in toilet paper because someone said the SA didn’t do crap.

The only candidate with a chance to help the students next year is Jodie English, and she’s not even on the ballot. Yes, English was involved in a landlord/rent scandal against Student Regent James Mertes, but let’s face it, all of the candidates have major flaws, whether they be as corrupt as the Keating Five or as psychopathic as Charles Manson, leaving English as the only viable option. So, please write-in “Jodie English-President” on your ballot.

Of course, a pessimist might feel students might as well vote for NIU President John La Tourette because if any of these candidates are elected, he’ll be running the SA president anyway.

Shameless self-promotion department:Yes, the rumors are true. All of the malcontents who have been angry at this columnist for one reason or another can finally exact their revenge. I will be at Northern Night Life this Friday night at the Holmes Student Center around 11 p.m. to place myself in the pie-throwing booth. Hey, it only costs 25 cents to paste me with a pie, and the money goes to charity.

Finally, good luck to my rec center floor hockey team, the Blade Runners, in this weekend’s playoffs.