Innovative pioneers or unbalanced morons?

So there I was, walking down the dog/cat food aisle at Jewel when I spot a bag of dog food. In big, bold letters printed on the bag is the following: “New improved taste!”

That struck me as odd because, as I recall, my dog used to enjoy licking dead squirrels and drinking toilet water. Taste didn’t seem to matter too much to my dog. In fact, while watching other dogs (I have a lot of free time), it appears that one of dogs’ favorite behaviors is sniffing the genitalia of other dogs.

I guess the dog food company decided “New improved taste!” sounded better than “Now tastes more like dog genitalia!”

And how do they know it tastes better? Do they have a talking dog produced through biogenetic engineering locked up somewhere? Although I doubt some human was the taster, I wouldn’t be surprised.

People will eat some pretty weird things—like the first guy to eat an egg, for example. There he is, watching a chicken when a hard, round, white object comes out of the chicken’s butt. So his first thought, of course, is “hmmmm, that hard, round, white thing that came out of the chicken’s butt looks like it’d make good eatin‘! Especially with a side order of fried pig buttocks!”

Of course we owe a great debt to that man—whoever he is—for now we enjoy the great taste of eggs and bacon while we slowly die of cholesterol poisoning.

I’m of course assuming it was a man because guys seem to be more venturesome (from the Latin: disgusting) when it comes to eating things.

I’ve seen guys (usually in an altered state caused by alcoholic beverages) eat: raw hot dogs, Slim-Jims and Twinkies (together), dog biscuits and pizzas older than Mexico with the moldy parts removed. And then of course there’s Jeffrey Dahmer …

I’m pretty picky about what I put in my mouth, although I once consumed a large dish of hot picante sauce in order to win a $20 bet. (Burp.)

Which isn’t to say women don’t occasionally eat some pretty disgusting things—just check out the adult movie section of your favorite video store. (Double burp and pass the mouthwash.)

But back to the subject of the first people to try something. Who did they get to test out the first bullet-proof vest? How about the guy who had the first vasectomy? Or the first guy who wore styling gel in his hair? (Some of these pioneers were braver than others.)

Those people were truly adventurous spirits. Or maybe just really stupid.

But whatever happened to that pioneer spirit embodied by the Wright brothers (Orville, Wilbur and the not-as-well-known Joe) who strapped themselves to a rickety wooden machine and dared to challenge the skies?

Oh sure, historians now believe that their first “airplane” was a crude suicide machine which they built because they were tired of people making fun of their names. But at least they tried something new.

Then of course, there’s the bravest man who ever lived: the guy who underwent the first circumcision. Talk about giving of one’s self for progress.