Another exciting day around DeKalb

This weekend, I had some out-of-town visitors who got me thinking about what the NIU/DeKalb experience is all about.

It only took about two minutes, but that was long enough to fill this column.

So, without further ado (“ado” is French for desperately filling space), we (as in someone else is responsible for any part of this column that offends you) present a typical day at NIU/DeKalb:

7:00 A.M.—The Parking Division people rise out of their coffins, say a prayer to Satan and drink a breakfast of kitten blood.

7:05 A.M.—The first shoplifter at Farm & Fleet is caught with 8 cents worth of washers.

8:00 A.M.—The second shoplifter at Farm & Fleet is caught with a 39-cent spigot valve stuffed in his shorts.

8:17 A.M.—The third shoplifter at Farm & Fleet is beaten to death with a crescent wrench by the F & F security force.

8:32 A.M.—The Parking Division mutants give out the first of their 18,000 tickets for the day. (Three of which are justified.)

9:00 A.M.—President John La Tourette’s Special Committee on Reducing Everything While Increasing Tuition (SCREWIT) convenes.

9:22 A.M.—SCREWIT votes to break for lunch.

9:23 A.M.—Before they leave for lunch, SCREWIT votes to raise tuition $50 per student for every point Michael Jordan scores against Phoenix.

9:45 A.M.—SCREWIT issues a statement saying they were kidding about the tuition increase being tied to Jordan’s scoring. Instead, they decide tuition should be raised $13 for every beer nugget consumed in DeKalb in the next year.

11:36 A.M.—The MLK statue is passed by the 100th person to ask, “We paid how much for that?”

12:15 P.M.—Food Services begins collecting road-kill for that night’s dinner at the dorms.

1:00 P.M.—The weekly meeting of Students With No Sense of Humor begins with its regular letter-writing session to the Northern Star.

2:10 P.M.—The office hours of the average NIU professor begin.

2:14 P.M.—The office hours of the average NIU professor end.

3:17 P.M.—The Parking People ticket and attempt to have a moving ambulance towed.

4:17 P.M.—SCREWIT comes back from lunch, passes resolution condemning Northern Star for printing Holocaust advertisement, adjourn for two-week fact-finding mission to Las Vegas.

6:00 P.M.—A & T Towing employees start pushing cars into tow-away zones.

7:32 P.M.—First pickup line of the night heard at Amnesia: “Say, aren’t you Cindy Crawford?”

8:00 P.M—La Tourette begins second job as night manager at Stop ‘N Go.

12:55 P.M.—The 1,700th and last pickup line of the night heard at Amnesia: “I have a car.”

1:30 A.M.—De Kalb city workers start rolling up the streets.