This seems to be a busy time for news. You can’t turn on a newscast without it being full of news these days, if you know what I mean.

So, after consulting with high-ranking poly-sci geeks and famed explainer of the complex, Jack Daniels, I halfheartedly present:

A reader’s guide to current events. Lesson No. 1—Politics and the Olympics.

A. The Olympics. This is the world’s premier extravaganza (which literally translated from Latin means “more vaganzas”).

The United States traditionally doesn’t do too well in winter Olympics. In fact, so far during these Olympics, men named Heike and women who shave daily (and not their legs) have combined to win more medals than the entire U.S. has.

But this is primarily because the events in the Olympics are not traditionally popular in the U.S. The events this year include: Alpine skiing, giant slalom skiing, free style skiing, four-man topless skiing, two men and a dog skiing, shooting a rifle while skiing, ice dancing, ice prancing, ice skiing while shooting a topless dog and, of course, the luge.

This year’s games are in France because the French government bid thirty-billion Francs to host the games and thus ensure themselves a copy of the video, “Fabulous ice dances and hilarious luge bloopers.” And, because they acted quickly, they got the Juice-Maniac, at no extra cost.

In case you haven’t noticed, the Olympics are filled with foreigners. Presidential candidate Pat Buchanan (see part B of this column) has pledged to, if elected, present a bill to Congress limiting the number of foreigners (especially the Japanese) allowed in the Olympics.

B. In the world of politics, we had a number of esteemed, intelligent and honest men in New Hampshire recently for the election primary. But let’s talk about the candidates.

On the Democratic side, we have some guys named Clinton and Tsongas and some other candidates who have about as much charisma as an Italian beef sandwich (no peppers please).

On the Republican side we have George Bush (currently unemployed) and Pat Buchanan. Buchanan has run a thought-provoking, high-brow philosophical campaign which has focused attention on the turbulent domestic and world situation. His campaign slogan is “Japan sucks and I can kick the other candidates’ butts.”

Bush is more liberal than Buchanan. His campaign slogan is “I’m more liberal than Buchanan, but I also think Japan sucks, especially their food.”

Whatever happened to great politicians like F.D.R. and his “chicken in every pot” campaign promise? The quality of candidates is so bad that now there is even talk of a Jeffrey Dahmer write-in campaign. His slogan was going to be “A head in every pot.”

Anyway … the first primary was in New Hampshire because it has more diners per capita than any other state in the union. A candidate’s primary job is to go to a diner and shake as many hands and kiss as many babies as he can.

Smart politicians save time by simply shaking babies’ heads—not only do they get a vote, an especially vigorous head shaking ensures the future supply of politicians.