Snapperhead gives hope to the hopeless

I can’t tell you, faithful readers, how many people come to me and ask why the Star doesn’t have an advice column. (Well, actually I could tell you, and the answer is zero.) But, for purposes of this column, let’s just say it’s dozens.

I believe I would be the perfect advice columnist. As you know, two women named Abby and Ann have cornered the U.S. market on dispensing advice. But I think asking them for advice about let’s say, sex, is like asking Mike Tyson for dating tips.

The name for the column would have to be something memorable, like, Hey, Snapperhead. And to prove I could do the job, let’s examine some typical Dear Ann/Abby letters and the subsequent advice and then how Snappy would solve the problem.

TYPICAL LETTER: Dear Annbby, I’m a married college student. My wife was a beautiful, lovely women when I married her. Now, she’s gone from a size 10 to a size 24, she’s never interested in sex anymore—only in eating, and we are constantly arguing. What should I do? Mr. Blue, Ball State University.

ANNBBY’S ADVICE: Seek professional counseling.

SNAPPY‘S ADVICE: Creative use of whipped cream on a nightly basis should satisfy both of you.

TYPICAL LETTER II: Dear Annbby, Our handsome 17-year-old son is popular in school, athletic and gets good grades. But while cleaning his room recently, I discovered several pairs of women’s underwear in his closet. When confronted, he admitted that he enjoyed wearing the articles, but says he’s not gay. Is it all right for him to be doing this? He’s a good boy, but we’re worried about his unusual habit. Perplexed Parents, Pittsburgh, PA.

ANNBBY’S ADVICE: Seek professional counseling.

SNAPPY’S ADVICE: Is it all right for him to be doing this? What, are you crazy? The kid has obviously been screwed up by his moron parents. This is the way Dahmer started out. Send the kid off to military school and start working on getting a life of your own which, hopefully, doesn’t include raising any more kids/future mass murderers.

TYPICAL LETTER III: Dear Annbby, I’m a 22-year-old male who has been unemployed for two years. I live at home and I don’t have the energy to do anything other then sit around in my underwear all day, eating pizza, Doritos and donuts while watching sports and porno movies. Then, I go drinking all night with my buddies. Everyone is telling me that there’s something wrong with me, but I can’t seem to change. What should I do? Worried Wayne, Aurora, IL.

ANNBBY’S ADVICE: Seek professional counseling.

SNAPPY’S ADVICE: So, like, what’s the problem?

Hey, Snapperhead may not be the answer to life’s woes. But then again, what’s life without some occasional snapperhead.

With all the problems in DeKalb, we need a local advice column unafraid to take on the tough problems, unafraid of taking unpopular stands and, especially, unafraid to resort to cheap humor to fill space.

Send your advice-seeking letters …