Putting yourself out there – whether that be through dating apps or approaching people and asking for their number the old-fashion way – you’re bound to run into some interesting characters.
Nobody is perfect; maybe they cheated on their previous partner, maybe they’ve got commitment issues, maybe they have a bad relationship with their mom, but maybe they’re so fine you look past all of that and think, “I can fix them!”
While not defining people by their faults is a noble thing to do, this mindset is harmful for you and your passion project, fixer-upper of a date. You can’t fix them; they might not even need to be “fixed,” and you’re only hurting yourself and halting their progress by trying.
Right off the bat, it’s important to define the line between a romantic partner’s flaws and struggles and actual relationship-breaking issues. A partner having anxiety or depression or any mental illness doesn’t instantly mean that they’re bad for you, and neither does making mistakes in past relationships, like cheating or otherwise. The line is drawn when it becomes your problem.
A person with healthy coping mechanisms, or a person who grows past their mistakes and faults, is much different than someone with entirely untreated mental illness that forces you as their romantic partner to bear the weight of it – or “fix” it – without them trying in the slightest.
An anxious breakdown here, an accusation of cheating there, a callous remark, an inconsiderate attitude towards your feelings, blowing you off and anything else in that toxic sphere; sure, these actions could be apologized for, but apologies with no change in behavior are worthless. It’s these actions, resulting from your partner’s learned behaviors, faults and mistakes, that make them your problem.
“I think it becomes toxic when instead of assisting them with their problems, it turns into them expecting you to solve the problems for them, or them projecting their dissatisfaction with themself on you.” Ava Sproul said, a sophomore photography major. “Once you find yourself being impacted negatively in any way, whether that be physical harm, mental strain, you name it; anything involving unnecessary self-sacrifice, that’s when there’s a line being crossed.
Sproul said people should provide support to their partner.
“You should never have to dim yourself so your partner can feel better about themself. Rather than trying to ‘fix them,’ because we all know that’s not how that works, you can be a part of a team and provide support when needed,” Sproul said. “It’s not your job to solve other people’s problems for them. They will ultimately decide if they want to take action to resolve their issues, no matter how many suggestions or solutions you offer.”
The fact is, these things are not your responsibility, even if you want them to be. Of course, a partner should be there to help another person with their issues, but there’s a limit to where healthy support becomes dependence.
Furthermore, a person who does not want to be “fixed” will not change. We ultimately have agency over ourselves, and no matter how much you think you can “fix” your partner and make them perfect for you, if they don’t want to improve or change in any way, they won’t. It’s also unfair to ask someone to change, even if it would make them a healthier or objectively “better” person.
All this is to say, no, you can’t “fix” them, but don’t worry, there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Again, nobody is perfect, but just as well; not all flaws have to be “fixed,” some can just be lived with; they’re outweighed by the beauty in someone. It’s up to you to decide that, but always remember that it’s never your responsibility to repair someone, and that the solution is never to mold someone into your type.
