The paper trails that define who you are

By Sabryna Cornish

Ever think about how much of your life revolves around paper? And what exactly is all this paper doing in your life?

For example, in order to be considered a living human being, you must have a piece of paper that says you actually were born. If you don’t have the piece of paper, does that mean you were never born?

The problem with birth certificates is they don’t mean diddly anyway because parents can change children’s names without changing them on the birth certificate—maybe spell it a little differently.

It isn’t until the time when one gets a driver’s license that a name must be chosen to use the rest of one’s life. Solution—change your name while you can to something that would make Frank Zappa want to adopt you.

And when you die, if you don’t get a death certificate where someone says you are dead, does that mean you’re not dead?

It’s like the “M*A*S*H” episode where Hawkeye finds out the Army thinks he is dead and he has to fill out more pieces of paper to be declared alive. Solution—don’t die.

Marriage certificates seem like a definite waste of paper. If the couple is really in love and they want to spend the rest of their lives together, then why do they need a piece of paper to tell them that they are “married”? They should already be “married” to each other because they obviously made a commitment to each other when they decided they wanted to get married.

A lot of people might argue that the vows and the marriage license are a symbol of this commitment to each other but there is no greater commitment than not needing the dumb piece of paper to show two people want to spend the rest of their lives together. Solution—live together and declare a common law marriage. If it was good enough for Jim Morrison, it’s good enough for you.

Report cards: they have to be the world’s stupidest use of paper. Contrary to what most college students think, in the real world, employers don’t give a damn about your GPA.

Come to think of it, most students (including this one) don’t give a damn about their GPA, they just want to graduate and make the P.‘s happy.

Remember when high schools used to send out progress reports that you would end up intercepting in the mail before your parents read it? Solution—schools should save a tree and a student’s life and not send those idiotic things out.

Computer paper and spiral paper are enough to drive you crazy. The stupid computer paper has those dumb perforated edges that you inevitably have to rip off. Spiral paper is the paper that really upsets your professor when you turn it in. Solution—don’t buy it unless you want to piss off your professors.

Any kind of ticket you get will be printed on a piece of paper in an annoying color. Maybe that’s why the parking division switched from those bland yellow envelopes to the hot-hot fuchsia ones. Solution—if you see something neon on your car, turn around and walk the other way. You already have a ticket anyway, might as well leave it there.

All lives and a lot of trees would probably benefit if we all left paper alone. But then again, you wouldn’t be reading this!