If you’ve come here in search of rankings to base your early March Madness bracket picks on, keep looking.
If you’ve come to find out how I, a wise-cracking and far-from-athletic sports reporter, would fare against the nicknames of Illinois’ 13 Division I schools, then you’ve come to the right place.
After posting my rankings of MAC teams based on how confidently I could defeat them in battle back in November, I’ve returned to present the second edition of my series. Who doesn’t love a good sequel?
The same rules apply as before: I can only use my two fists and the battle only ends once myself or my opponent drops dead.
Let’s get into it.
12 – DEPAUL BLUE DEMONS
As far as I’m concerned, demons don’t exist, especially blue ones. I win by virtue of existing.
11 – ILLINOIS STATE REDBIRDS
I swat it. Aside from their sharp claws, big birds aren’t too intimidating, and this is just a small bird. I swat it.
10 – LOYOLA RAMBLERS
So, my opponent is someone who just moves around aimlessly? Maybe I can just hope they wander somewhere deadly and win by default. Sister Jean would probably put up a better fight.
Writer’s note: Rambler? Was that really the best you could come up with, Loyola?
9 – SOUTHERN ILLINOIS SALUKIS
Salukis are gorgeous dogs, but terrible fighters. This isn’t “Air Bud” where dogs can pull off the improbable. The dog dies.
8 – NORTHWESTERN WILDCATS
It’s a wildcat, and probably much more aggressive than the random cat that keeps sneaking into my apartment. I’ll make it out with my life and probably several scratches.
7 – NORTHERN ILLINOIS HUSKIES
I’d hate to cut a fantastic singing career short, but I refuse to lose to a husky.
6 – CHICAGO STATE/SIUE COUGARS
This is where things get ugly for me. Cats can be nasty, but big cats will end me.
5 – EASTERN ILLINOIS PANTHERS
Apparently, panthers and cougars are essentially the same animal, so I’m equally screwed regardless. I’m putting EIU a spot higher because, one, I can, and, two, to piss off the other Illinois cat teams.
4 – UIC FLAMES
Flames are basically fire. I’m cooked – literally. Maybe I could stomp it out, but I doubt I have the stamina to do it for a large fire.
3 – ILLINOIS FIGHTING ILLINI
A bit of research will show that “Fighting Illini” doesn’t directly refer to any ethnic group. However, Illinois still ranks No. 3 on this list purely because Fighting Illini now equates to a massive contingent of hell-raising, probably drunk collegiates. Send help.
2 – BRADLEY BRAVES
Today I learned that a brave is a Native American warrior. I also learned that I, someone with exactly zero battle experience, don’t stand any chance here.
1 – WESTERN ILLINOIS LEATHERNECKS
Don’t let that snarling bulldog fool you. “Leatherneck” is actually slang for a member of the United States Marine Corps. I have a hard enough time battling a tall set of stairs, let alone a Marine.
Congratulations, Western Illinois. You’re finally better than the rest of the state at something.
