Banquet times at NIU means some of the less-known award presentations are here.

If you’re a newcomer to NIU, or at least to Wednesdays, this is the time where some of the not-so-well-known award-winners have their Andy Warholian spotlight. But remember, it’s all in good, clean fun, so don’t get excited if you lost.

Student Association President Robert McCormack starts off the list with the Historian Who Bucked History Award. McCormack, a history major, must have been paying attention as the profs drilled him on looking at history to solve present problems. He is the only SA president in at least the last four years not to catch the brunt of an impeachment attempt.

Keeping with student leaders, McCormack must have told the SA senate that history repeats itself. In keeping with NIU’s finest and possibly oldest tradition, the SA threatened to impeach an executive officer, thus winning the senate the Double Talk Award. But Vice President Tanya Smith gave them the raspberries knowing the senate didn’t have enough guts to take her on.

Student Regent James Mertes wins duo honors. He takes the coveted Best Fan Award and Worst Enemy Award. Mertes, who must have a separate insurance policy on his vocal chords, was the loudest Regent NIU’s governing board ever has seen.

Afterall, the Regents’ professionals volunteering to watch NIU, ISU and SSU got their exercise. Every time Jim gave them a tongue-lashing, the Regents rolled their eyes while huffing and puffing. Jim was his worst enemy and biggest fan.

Eddie Williams gets the Huskie Relief Man Award. The vice president for Finance and Planning got the call to sooth the tempers of students who envisioned a Martin Luther King Jr. statue that looked like the slain civil rights leader instead of … of … .

Kelli Marie McDonald gets the Wanna-Be Award. McDonald was trounced by Preston Came in March’s SA presidential elections with its usual dismal voter turnout. She was beat because she didn’t do anything, not for any other reason.

Speaking of dismal, Preston Came takes home the Came and Went Award for being oh-so professional in his quest for the all-powerful presidency. Came’s lecture tour of campus and recent Constitutional changes he strong-armed through only proves the SA still has more jokers up its sleeve.

The Gay/Lesbian Union grabs the Now You See Me Now You Don’t Award. The group’s members are fighting like the dickens to end homophobia and related ills, but only while lurking through the shadows of anonymity.

NIU’s ROTC members get the Told You So Award for staying so cool while others are ready to throw them to the dogs because of the no homosexuals allowed sign. Illinois, like other states, have bills in the legislature that would bar schools from ousting the local jarheads. Did you have any doubt ROTC would win?

A group snagged the Hypocrite Award. To everyone jumping on the genderless word bandwagon: History tells of the hard-fought battle women individuals endured for human inalienable rights. Some people Women fought men others for a lot of reasons, including the men oppressors telling women the oppressed how to act and speak so they would be accepted.

Now, men and women people are telling students others what to do in order to be effective, therefore, accepted.

Congratulations.