Valentine’s Day: Flowers, heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, cupid greeting cards, someone bitching about his/her boy/girlfriend, and unattached people enveloped in a swirling eddy of despair, occasionally brightened by false hopes only to have reality crush them like a cockroach.

But for all those individuals saddened by their loneliness this Valentine’s day, take heart! You just might be better off.

As every guy knows, one of the most popular subjects for conversation (especially after a few beers) by men is how we are “used” by women.

As a public service, we proudly present some warning signs that men should be on the lookout for if they think they’re being used.

)Be wary of word signals. These are things that females you are involved with might say that you should watch out for.

A)”I just want to be friends,” or the related, “I think of you as a good friend (or brother).” TRANSLATION: “Don’t try anything with me that you wouldn’t try with Chuck or Vito.”

B)”I’m not ready for a relationship right now.” TRANSLATION: “I’m just hanging out with you until I meet somebody I really like.”

C)”You’re too good for me,” or, “I don’t deserve someone like you.” TRANSLATION: See “B.”

D)”You’re a really nice, sweet guy, but…” TRANSLATION: “You know what they say about nice guys, so get lost.”

E)”I think we’re having trouble communicating.” TRANSLATION: “I think you’re as intellectually stimulating as a mattress.”

F)”Our values aren’t the same.” TRANSLATION: “You’re as cheap as a $2 bottle of wine. Call me back when you can afford to take me some place that doesn’t take coupons.”

G)”We don’t do anything fun anymore.” TRANSLATION: “Put away the bowling ball or get used to spending Saturday night sorting your underwear.”

Aside from the verbal signals, you should also be aware of the physical signs that indicate you’re in trouble. For example:

A)Frequent yawning during a date is a bad sign. Especially if it’s noon.

B)Be aware of the physical hints a female may give to show that she doesn’t like your car. Severe vomiting or hysterical laughter when she enters your car is usually a bad sign.

C)Giggling fits can be a sign that she doesn’t take you seriously. Especially if they occur while you’re telling her about your dead aunt.

Finally, some words of wisdom from a wise old philosopher,(or was it a bartender) who once said, “A woman’s heart is like the Bermuda Triangle, once you enter it, you’re never seen again.”

And on a personal note, none of the characters or incidents related above involve anyone I know, or anyone I may know in the future. Honest. My column next week: “How I became involved in the feminist movement.”