Want to know where our education dollars are going to lately? University of Pennsylvania anthroplogist Soloman Katz says civilizatiion began not with the invention of bread but with beer.

Katz agrees with most theories that the Sumerians, who seemed to have invented nearly everything except the pop-up toaster, first cultivated barley. Since barley back then was pretty tough (everything was tough in the old days), Katz says they could only use it for making beer.

Now here’s the catch. In order to make the beer the Sumerians would have had to bake bread from the barley. In fact, they probably baked it twice so it kept longer. Thus – the need to stick around in one place for a while.

And before you know it, civilization was born, along wth writing (for the beer recipes), the wheel (to haul the beer to lame uncle Gilgamesh), buildings (the first taverns) and divorce.

This of course, runs counter to the prevailing theory that civilation started with the invention of Butternut white. Another expert opinion obviously was needed to sort out this mess.

Fortunately, NIU is lucky enough to have Sumerian alcohol expert Pubb Parrish in residence this semester.

Professor Pubblick Orr Parrish explained that Katz had actually stolen the idea from him during an anthropology convention at the Pussy Galore Dude Rance in Reno, two years ago.

“That Katz guy must have overheard me explaining it to one of the ‘hostesses’!” he said.

“You see,” Parrish continued, “the ancient Sumerians actually began civilzation with the invention of Everclear.”

“When this happened, the Sumerians discovered that they were too drunk to continue their nomadic lifestyle. This led to the necessary invention of buildings to shelter the Sumerians when they passed out,” he said.

However, Katz’s beer theory is getting more attention now snce Fritz Maytag, owner of Anchor Steam Brewing company, is planning to brew Sumerian beer based on an ancient recipe. Rumored to be billed as “the beer that made Mesopotamia great,” Sumerian beer will be available soon, at designer label prices.

Pubb was not looking forward to it. As NIU’s resident expert on American beers, Parrish said a beer is not truly American if it costs more than four bucks a six-pack.

Which is exactly why this beer will make it big with the young exec crowd. That and the fact that Sumerians drank their brew through a straw. It won’t be long before Rush street regulars begin foregoing their Coronas and limes for “Sumer” beers and genuine imitation reed straws.

This will probably induce the larger breweries to hire archaelogists in order to dig up more beer recipes. Soon, “the beer that made Mesopotamia great” will have to compete with the beer that’s “fully brewed, the Neolithic way” and the beer with the “ancient empire taste”.

There’s one big problem, though. Ancient Sumer is now part of war-torn Iraq. Digging for beer recipes would be a little hazardous while trying to dodge F-15 bombing missions.

Maybe President Bush can make a public relations coup out of it all. He could answer his “war for oil” critics by saying the Iraqi war will make the world “safe for beer.”