Editor’s note: This column is the second of a two-part satire column series wherein Senior Sports Reporter Skyler Kisellus hypothetically fights teams from the two conferences NIU will join in 2026 — the Mountain West Conference and the Horizon League. The first column was published Thursday.
Guess who’s back, back again?
OK, this is already getting cringy. It’s me, your favorite senior sports reporter in the whole wide world! I’m back to (hypothetically) fight some more mascots. Only this time, I’ll be challenging NIU’s soon-to-be amigos in the Horizon League.
Alright, that’s enough explaining. If you want to know the rules, go read my first column that got published on Thursday. Or don’t? Oh well.
*ding ding*
11 — Green Bay Phoenix
The Phoenix may be immortal, but it’s also nonexistent. I’m also not mentally prepared to lose to Green Bay at something else, so there.
10 — Purdue Fort Wayne Mastodons
Unlike the Phoenix, Mastodons actually existed at one point. Though smaller than their distant and more famous cousin, Mastodons stood between 7 and 10 feet tall and weighed between four and six tons, and I don’t think I can bench that.
But they went extinct like 11,000 years ago, so that’s not my problem. 1-0, me.
9 — Youngstown State Penguins
Oh, come on. It’s a penguin. Unless I’m fighting Feathers McGraw, I shouldn’t have any problems here. I’ll kick that thing further than someone likes to kick my boss’ beloved Jellycat football around the office.
8 — Cleveland State Vikings, Northern Kentucky Norse and Wright State Raiders
What in the hell happened with the naming here? Did everyone just copy off each other’s homework? Why are these all Viking Age-related?
Anyway, I’m getting off topic. I’d be scared of these 1,000 years ago, but today, I’d just be fighting some Scandinavian dude. Call it a wash.
5 — Milwaukee Panthers
Make no mistake, I am going to die to a panther. Those things are vicious. I just think the other things on this list will do a better job of killing me.
4 — IU Indy Jaguars
Another cat, same result. Jaguars are larger, faster and have a more powerful bite. They also just won against the Panthers, so even the transitive property says I’m toast.
3 — Robert Morris Colonials
The colonials haven’t had their heyday since the days of the American Revolution. However, it wouldn’t take long for someone to grab their powdered wig and Kentucky rifle, say “What the devil?” and blow a golf ball-sized hole through my chest, just as the Founding Fathers intended.
2 — Oakland Golden Grizzlies
The golden grizzly bear has been extinct for a century, but that’s not what I’m dealing with here. Oakland’s then-athletic director Bob Miller chose the nickname in 1971 because of his love of plain ‘ol grizzly bears, which are very much alive and very much able to skewer me. So, good picking, Bob.
1 — Detroit Mercy Titans
If the name wasn’t already a dead giveaway, titans are ginormous. I get squished. The end.
Congratulations, Detroit Mercy! What a resounding win for a school I usually forget exists.
