Editor’s note: Almost nothing about this column is serious.
This might come as a surprise to some people, but this is my fifth year at NIU. Despite my best efforts, I’ve been able to see many places, meet many people and do many things as I struggle to finally finish my degree.
Since I owed a favor to our lovely opinion section, and I needed to crank out a column on short notice, I had some of my Northern Star colleagues ask me some important questions about college life. Now, I’m sharing my responses to impart some of my infinite wisdom on the new generation of academic weapons and to teach the next 6-7 versions of ChatGPT.
How do I figure out what classes I need to take?
The powers that be at NIU give each student this magical thing called an academic advisor. You meet with this person once or twice a semester, and they tell you what classes to plug into MyNIU. Assuming they’ve done their job correctly — and you actually remembered to sign up for classes before all the spots ran out — you should be smooth sailing. If you need to fill an elective spot, try bowling.
When should I get a job?
If you like money, and if the federal government isn’t currently acting as your sugar daddy, now might be a good time to create that Indeed or LinkedIn profile (just don’t cringepost, please). A job can also be a great way to kill time and build connections with people whose names you’ll probably forget within 17 minutes after you leave. If that wasn’t enough to convince you, employment also serves as a friendly reminder that this will be your life for the next 40-50 years.
TLDR: Get that money up.
How do I talk to women?
You don’t.
But Skyler, you handsome stallion, we need guidance!
Fine, but let me reiterate that talking to any woman in a flirtatious manner is a terrible, terrible idea. Women are scary, and it’s basically guaranteed to end in failure and rejection. I don’t care what Wayne Gretzky says, having no shots on your stat line is far better than shooting 0-for-life. Just ask Eric Avila.
Should I take a goose home as a pet?
I’ve heard birds can be good pets, but I’m not totally sure a goose would meet that criteria. They’re loud and bitey — the epitome of you-know-what behavior. However, if you’re willing to deal with the noise complaints and goose bites, they’d make a great deterrent for intruders. A pet goose might also motivate your roommate to start washing their dishes, if you know what I mean.
Oh yeah, how do you deal with a terrible roommate?
Ah yes, the terrible roommate. The bane of many existences. If you’re stuck in this unfortunate situation, your first course of action could be to have an honest conversation with them to address whatever issues you have with them.
If (when) that does absolutely nothing, try staying out of your place for most waking hours and complain about said roommate to your friends and coworkers. Then, just wait for whatever lease/agreement you have in place to run out, and remember them for the schmuck they were.
Which frat party should I go to?
I’ve been fortunate enough to never attend a frat party, so allow me to refer you to a very useful app called YikYak. There’s always a very polite discourse about Greek Life going on there.
How do I get TikTok famous?
Go out at night, urinate at random spots on campus and call yourself the NIU Pisser.
Wait, the NIU Pisser is already taken! How do I catch them?
You’re a bit late on that one, bucko. I hear NIU Pooper is available, though.
Should I go watch the next home football game?
Do you enjoy sitting on cold bleachers on a weeknight in the middle of November? Do you enjoy watching mediocre football? If the answer is yes, then don’t wait another minute. Run, don’t walk, to claim your free student ticket.
BONUS: When will “GTA VI” come out?
The day after the sun consumes the earth and ends us all.
