Editor’s note: This story is entirely satire. All information and interviews are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
DeKARB, Mich. — More than a year after NIU announced its groundbreaking plans to move its football program to the Mountain West Conference, the school has suddenly switched course in its realignment strategy.
In an unprecedented move, NIU athletic director Sean Frazier announced the university will renege on its agreement to become a football-only affiliate of the Mountain West and instead pursue affiliate membership in the Big Ten Conference.
“After a thorough evaluation of our program, we simply aren’t equipped to compete against the vaunted programs in the Mountain West,” Frazier said. “It would be irresponsible to pit our team against competition like Nevada and North Dakota State. Instead, we need to dedicate our attention to competing within our region, and we plan to put the likes of Michigan and Ohio State on immediate notice.”
The Big Ten currently houses 18 full members, with NIU expected to be among the conference’s top echelon alongside Purdue, Maryland and Michigan State.
As NIU begins engaging in talks with Big Ten leadership, the program will revert to membership in the Mid-American Conference, allowing the Huskies to continue participating in the MAC’s beloved scheduling tradition: midweek MACtion.
One NIU student expressed his elation with the school’s decision to continue playing games in frigid November weeknights.
“I’m thrilled to see us go back to what’s been working,” said Fran Seazier, an underwater basket-weaving, lion-taming and Pig Latin triple major. “I’ve been attending NIU games since my freshman year, and never have I wanted to attend more games on Saturdays. What else am I going to do with my weeknights? Study?”
Another student, 11th-year bankruptcy major Hugh D. Generate, was also enthused by Wednesday’s stunning news.
“This is a godsend to real football fans everywhere,” Generate said, checking to see if his 11-leg parlay on a cornhole match between Greendale Community College and Waukesha Culinary Institute had hit. “MACtion is such a novelty, and this school should be blessed to be part of it.”
However, one student was deeply critical of the department’s shocking decision. Junior bagpiping major and Alpha Sigma Sigma president Sandra Sourpuss Jr. called NIU’s move “stupid with two o’s.”
“I’m sorry, they did what now? That team would give up 50 to Wisconsin’s fifth-team offense,” Sourpuss said as Victor E. Huskie, dressed in a black trench coat and fedora, snatched the student and threw her into an empty Huskie Bus — bound for an unknown destination.
At publication time, NIU had reportedly begun internal discussions as to whether the university should ditch its plan to become a full member of the Horizon League, which would become official July 1, and instead become the 17th member of the Southeastern Conference.