On Oct. 9, the place to be and be seen was the satanism lecture presented by the Campus Crusade of Christ. Twenty minutes before the lecture began, the Carl Sandburg Auditorium was already half full.

Some Campus Crusaders were pleased, though there were too many Ozzy Osbourne T-shirts in the audience to think a spiritual awakening had occurred.

The speaker was Oshkosh’s own John Rittenhouse, who elicited a small groan from the standing-room-only crowd when he said he didn’t bring his most graphic material.

This was probably a good scare tactic, since people seem to imagine things being worse than they really are. So many monster movies fall flat when the monster everyone’s been screaming their bronchial tubes raw over finally appears.

Besides, if he showed too much gore Jesse Helms would probably hear about it and fume about funding obscene lectures.

Rittenhouse said he understood young people’s curiosity about satanism because he spent seven years studying it. However, he did complain about giving 40 Satan lectures last year, which seemed to undermine the sense of urgency he was trying to convey.

Still, it sparked the realization that a cure for “Satan fascination” might be to require kids to give speeches on it.

Rittenhouse said satanists come in three types. The first is the religious or “garden variety” satanists. Basically, these people are like Addams family members.

They can be recognized by their overplucked eyebrows, red and black furniture and the ability to draw decent looking stars freehand. They are kinder and gentler satanists and show up on Oprah a lot.

Then there are generational or “Oedipal” satanists. They view satanism as sort of a family heirloom. If you become a doctor you would be the black sheep in these families.

Sometimes they do get violent, usually because Dad keeps trying to force little Damien to be a grotto leader instead of a wedding disc jockey.

Finally, there are self-styled or “why-we-have-the-death-penalty” satanists. These are the ones who commit heinous crimes that hack authors use to outsell the diet books on the New York Times’ non-fiction charts.

Rittenhouse said these murderers are typically loners, so the audience would not confuse their behavior with that of respected world leaders.

At the lecture’s end, Rittenhouse offered to answer questions for those who wished to stay. This was a mistake because NIU students are brainwashed to flee when a speaker suggests they can leave.

The students began cramming the exits like hungry wildebeests while the exasperated Rittenhouse began taking questions anyway.

During the questioning period, some people criticized Christians for beating satanists in the body count contest throughout history.

Others tried to say Satan is misunderstood and the type of guy who would fork out a hundred to bail you out of jail if you were his buddy.

Of course, nobody convinced anyone else to change their minds, which is just as well. Being buddies wih Satan may be the reason most people end up in jail, anyway.