Off with the ties folks; let’s see some T-shirts

What if regular people were to take over the sportscasting industry?

Some friends and I got to talking about this and decided that the “suits” who read the sports on television should be working in different professions.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a few good reporters in the business. Chris Berman of ESPN can stay because he is the most fun to listen to. Channel 5’s Mark Giangreco can also stay because he has enough brass to wear boxer shorts with his sport coat.

The likes of Brad Palmer, Tom Shaer and Chuck Swirsky should be reading hog futures with someone like Les Nesman in Spoon Pike Falls, North Dakota.

Suits and ties are not acceptable attire for one reading sports on television. I think sports fans would better relate to someone in faded jeans, a college sweatshirt and a baseball cap worn backwards. The set wouldn’t be a desk with papers and computer monitors, it would be a living room setting with a couple of lazy-boys, a cold cooler of beer and bags of potato chips. Sort of a sports version of Wayne’s World without the guitar.

This is how I would do it. (Fade to dream sequence.)

“Welcome to Sportsnight. I’m Mitch and this is my buddy Spike. What a night! Patrick Ewing had nine blocked shots and scored 32 points.”

“Yeah Mitch, that was incredible. And did you see Steve Larmer score three times from the blueline! The ‘Hawks are gonna take the division this season—if they can get a decent goalie.”

“Ahh bull, the ‘Wings will rally. Enough hockey. How about the Super Bowl this weekend? Should I take the Broncos and the 12?”

“Don’t bother. The ‘Niners will beat them by at least three touchdowns. ‘Mr. Ed’ Elway won’t have a chance against that secondary.”

“I don’t even really care about it this year. I’m tired of the same teams playing every year. What they should have is a Loser Bowl. They wouldn’t even need playoffs. It would be like the Jets v. the Falcons. I’d rather watch that kind of game, Spike.”

“That’s just because you’re a loser, Mitch. Real fans like watching the best teams regardless of who they are.”

“Enough arguing. It’s time for the Player of the Week Award. Each week we pick a great athlete and invite him to be on our show. And the winner is … Magic Johnson!”

“Forget him, he never comes on our show. Our real player of the week is … former Giants placekicker Bjorn Nitmo! Yes, he has returned as the kicker for the Bud Light team in Bud Bowl II.”

“I couldn’t even tell the difference in the press releases we got today. He’s shaped just like the rest of the bottles.”

“Well, we’re running out of time. Have a good night, America. Mitch and I are gonna stay here, finish our beers and watch some late-night wrestling.”