Boy, did I have a wild Friday night! I met this girl with bodacious—We interrupt your regularly scheduled Monday column to take you live to Northern Illinois University for our special edition report, “The Search for Santa.” Here’s your special report special reporter Geraldo Rivera (celebrity voices impersonated):

Rivera stands in front of Holmes Student Center in full winter attire, including a pair of white, bunny-rabbit ear muffs.

Geraldo: Thank you, Don Pardo. Santa Claus, noted gift giver and chimney climber, apparently has been sighted at NIU. Santa experts believe it might have been that flashy, spankin‘-new red beacon atop the Holmes Student Center that attracted Mr. Claus, or if I may be so bold, Santa, to this medium-sized midwestern college. Santa might have believed it was a variation on the Bat Signal and NIU needed his help.

An older, stocky-looking man in a black overcoat and a large black hat; and a short, old woman with two knitting needles and several rolls of yarn step into the picture.

Geraldo: To assist in the search, the authorities here have enlisted the help of famed Nazi hunter Joey “The Toe” Fettucini and his longtime sidekick, two-time Western Hemisphere Needlepoint Champion Edith “Mack the needle” MacGillicutty. They join us now. Mr. Fettucini, or if I may be so bold, Toe, tell us what you know so far.

The Toe (who sounds vaguely like Andrew Dice Clay): Well, Gerry, we’ve had several monogamous, uh, anonymous, yeah, reports of an older gentleman with a white beard followed across campus by eight or so tiny reindeer. Upon further investigation, it was confirmed dat dis was only University Council Executive Secretary J. Carroll Moody being chased by a pack of dobermans. Der’s also been several credible sightings, though.

An inflamed Edith jumps in front of the two men and hogs the camera.

Edith: Now listen here, Claus! We’ve got your number, we know you’re out there! And whether your out tipping a few at one of the DeKalb bars or you’ve shaved that fur-face and started attending classes, we’ll find you. That’s not a threat, it’s a promise. Somebody get me a shot of Jack!

Edith walks off camera, and the cameraman moves in for a closeup on Geraldo and The Toe.

The Toe: As I was sayin’, we’ve had other credible reports in dee area, and we’re investigating dem further.

The camera closes in on Geraldo’s face, adorned on both sides by the aforementioned bunny-rabbit ear muffs.

Geraldo: Well, there you have it. Santa Claus has baffled the authorities thus far, but we’ll delve into this drama further. We’ll look deep into Santa’s past—a past some say was tainted by an overeating problem—and we won’t stop until all our questions are answered, such as—Why is Santa here? Where could he be? And, more importantly, is it just mere coincidence that if you rearrange the letters in Santa’s name, you can spell “Satan”? This reporter can only wonder. Don Pardo?

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Monday column already in progress.—so I put the ice packs on my black eye and my sore groin and went to sleep. Happy Holidays.