I am a klutz.

You have probably seen me floundering about the campus, tripping, falling, spilling, bumping into people and generally creating havoc wherever I go. I am the one who is always muttering “oops” and “I’m sorry.”

Has it always been this way? Yes. As a youngster, I cleaned the medicine cabinet out of Bactine and Band-Aids every week. Classmates called me “scab.” I often fell off the merry go-round (looking back I realize this must have been difficult) and was flung into a nearby gravel pit, cracking my head open more than once.

Well, as Little Lynn grew up, her sense of balance didn’t. I made it through high school, but not without disasters.

Dating was a big problem. At the first dinner dance with my boyfriend, I ordered ribs smothered in barbeque sauce. Big mistake. I dropped them onto my dress, nylons, shoes, flowers and his pants. When he still called me, I was astounded.

Whenever we went to a movie, I knocked over my Big Gulp five minutes after the opening credits and cringed as it trickled down the aisle. When he wore his brand new white shorts–you guessed it–I decorated them with Orange Crush. Now he knows better.

With college life, maturity and a sense of grace often develop. Not with me. At one point a friend asked me, seriously, if I had “an equilibrium problem.” I cried for a week.

I have learned a great deal from my catastrophic experiences, however. Aware there may be other clumsy people out there, I have compiled a list of “nevers” for surviving campus life without embarrassment.

*Never stop and flip your Walkman tape in front of a Huskie bus.

*Never open a folder in the Zulaf-Watson-Reavis Wind Tunnel. (You will chase papers around for two hours, as I have had to do.)

*Never wear cheap boots with the heel coming off. This often results in falling down the HSC front stairs. (If you saw me do that last semester, please supress your laughter.)

*Never wear white to a party. For that matter, never wear pastels. I am always the Lady in Black on weekends.

*Never attempt to walk quickly on the sidewalk in the winter. You can usually find me sprawled to the wayside, arms flailing, from December to March.

*Never cross a parking lot without looking both ways. After one car hit me and knocked me on my derriere, the driver had the audacity to give me a unique finger gesture.

*Never run up the library stairs. The blinding lobby carpet will leave you dizzy and confused, leading you to stumble and fall. I have been known to trip up the escalator.

*Never do aerobics too close to the person next to you. Yes, I whacked someone in the face during one move, but luckily, she didn’t call a lawyer.

*Never ask me to cook for you. As my roommates will faithfully attest, Prego stains and popcorn kernels pop up in the darndest places.

*Never smile when wearing earphones. They are guaranteed to pop out of your ears and you will look like a big jerk.

So if you see me doing any and all of the above maneuvers, just smile and take pity on me. I need it.