I have facial hair all over my schedule.

I don’t know what happened this semester. Maybe it was just the luck of the draw, but three of my teachers (Sorry, my religion forbids me to say the word “profs”) have these thick, bushy, Grizzly-Adams growths hanging from their faces.

The other two guys have moustaches that make them look like Dastardly Dick. I keep waiting for one of them to pull a female student out of class and tie her to the railroad tracks out by Motel 6.

I guess they sound like a pretty wild bunch, but I’m sure they’re no different than any of your teachers.

I have a basic belief that all teachers are equally unentertaining, deprived of fashion sense and completely uneducated about the really important issues of our society today.

For instance:

Why don’t Indians lose their hair? (Seriously, when was the last time you saw an Indian that looked like Kojak?)

Why do Tuesday and Thursday classes end at 14 minutes after the hour and 16 minutes to the hour instead of on a nice round number?

What does “once bitten, twice shy” mean anyway?

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop?

Wherever he is, does Richard Church have his American Express card with him?

Who invented those little plastic things at the ends of your shoelaces?

Who started this thing with wearing clothes inside out? (I’d like to hang him with the sleeves of his oihO etatS sweatshirt)

Was there a secret eighth dwarf named “Homey?”

Will Harry Caray ever finish clearing his throat?

What is Elle MacPherson’s phone number?

What can I say to her to keep her from hanging up on me?

Has Huskie Stadium ever been filled to capacity for anything? (dodgeball, jacks, Monopoly maybe).

Why does a quarter pounder cost more than a Big Mac?

What makes dry beer dry?

Who had the brilliant idea for humidity?

If someone’s home is sitting right on top of the boundary between the central time zone and the eastern time zone, is it an hour later on one side of the house than it is on the other?

Did Pete Rose bet on Cincinnati Reds baseball?

Is it true that Voyager II sent back pictures of Elvis living on Neptune?

Will all of Dan O’Shea’s columns in this newspaper be pointless and non-sensical?

I believe I can answer that last one. I know I’m not deeply moving anyone here or persuading people to join the Peace Corps or to “say no to drugs” or end racism, but you guys get bombarded with that stuff every day.

Let’s make a pact here. I promise never to write anything serious in these 15 inches if you guys say you like me.

My editor’s not going to like that because she says we need more hard hitting columns in this newspaper. To remedy that, everybody go walking around campus wearing frowns and saying you want to join the Student Association Senate so you can improve the quality of life and have a say in the actions of meaningless college government.

Everybody got that? Good.