The 1990s look scary

Every once in a while in the life of a journalist, a tremendous reporting opportunity presents itself, such as the chance to interview an important cultural or historical or hysterical figure—someone who’s effected a substantial change of some sort in society. Such was the case for me last week when the scholarly John Neighsbittt visited DeKalb to promote the impending release of his second major book on cultural transformation in society.

If the name sounds vaguely familar, it should, for cripe’s sake. Neighsbittt authored the 1981 best seller, Mongotrends.

Mongotrends detailed the 1980s metamorphosis of America that Neighsbittt saw looming over the horizon, and touched on many areas—politics, fashion, recreation and pastimes, etc. etc. And the author displayed an amazing gift of foresight, as many of his predictions for the ‘80s have come to pass: Fax machines, Guns N’ Roses, and Salsa Rio flavored Doritos (there’s no copyright symbol on my VDT keyboard, so pretend there’s one right after “Doritos”).

Pretty scary, huh? This guy in 1981 forecasting some of the things that will undoubtedly leave lasting marks on society …

Neighsbittt was on campus last Thursday, touting the counterpart to Mongotrends for the 1990s—Hate to Say I Told You So. I was able to sneak an exclusive interview with him after his NIU Yacht Club lecture Thursday night, and he gave me a preview of some of his previews for the ‘90s.

According to Neighsbittt, we can all look forward to such changes as:

More “involved” forms of recreation, such as realistic war re-enactments. Neighsbittt pointed to Wednesday’s ROTC Week World War II re-enactment as an example. He said that by 1997, full-fledged WWII re-enactments will be vogue. Students will then use the West Lagoon for Pearl Harbor, Watson Creek for the invasion of Normandy, and Altgeld Hall as a “bombing of London” target. And the re-enactments will last four-and-a-half years, to make them closer to the real thing.

The reintroduction of such classic grade school pastimes as Padiddle (in which you rack up points by being the first to spot cars with only one working headlight on the highway) and Slugbug (in which you belt your partner in the chops and yell “slugbug!” whenever you see a Volkswagen).

Greater emphasis on cheese.

Transformations in language and American vernacular. The phrase “… from hell” will become totally blase. Neighsbittt said we’ll soon be using such words as picaface, ickbug, spoonhead and ackthoop. (Actually, “ackthoop” was that point in the interview where Neighsbittt sneezed. It’s properly spelled “ackthOOp,” and should be blurted out with plenty of saliva.)

Nostalgia for the early 1980s. “Frankie say” T-shirts and Men Without Hats will become momentarily fashionable again, and American voters will feebly attempt to put Ron Reagan back into the White House in the 1990 off-year elections.

More squid, and lots of ’em. About four a day.

The functional use of sedated housecats—as doorstops, paper weights, etc.

New, exotic statements in fashion. Grass skirts are on their way in, and fruit baskets will become standard headgear before too long. As will Yasser Arafat-style headwraps. And necktie headbands—they’re not just for necks anymore.

A major new world religion being founded right here at our very own campus: Rastafurryanism. Major tenets of this faith include worship of Abbie Hoffman and the Board of Regents, who are the revered prophets of Rastafurryans.

Now, that’s a scary future being forecasted by Mr. Neighsbittt. But then we thought Salsa Rio Doritos sounded scary.