Spring Fake ‘89 is here.

You’ve spent weeks preparing for this annual pilgrimage to Southern ports of call. You’ve done the workouts to tighten your gluteus maximus, you’ve made the trips to the carcinogen spas and you shopped until you dropped at the Farm and Fleet—all in the name of fun.

So you blow-off the last day or two of classes in order to get in an extra couple hours of liver suicide, kissing the ground upon arrival.

You perish the thought of catching up on some lost sleep from your travels and immediately make a beeline to the nearest night club in search of…

The OP outfit, boat shoes and a false sense of scent land you in front of the first prospect of the evening. And despite all the preparation you open your mouth and nothing comes out ’cause you don’t know what to say.

So here, now, is a play on words to help both guys and gals alike get over that stumbling block when the cat’s got your tongue.

Here are some do’s and don’ts for standard conversation starters that might help one break the ice. Do: What’s your meal plan? What’s your major? How many hours do you have? Don’t: What’s your clinic card number? I have this sudden urge to make love to you. I work for The Northern Star.

Once you get past the opening jitters, try lines like, “So, you wanna see my pet rats?” Or: “I have a six-foot long boa constrictor.” And at bar time: “Wanna get a pizza?”

If you want to impress them, use lines out of old TV shows and movies: “Eep, op, ork, ah.” (It was out of The Jetsons and it means “I love you.”) This could lead to romantic lines such as: “You are my density,” or “I’m smitten by you.”

If, at this point, they question your sincerity, you look them in the eye and say: “If this isn’t right, what is?”

If you find yourself delving into the more intellectual side of things, topics such as, “Hey, hyperspace is a physical absurdity. How can you decelerate an infinite mass?” usually spark conversation. But if they’re too smart for you, confuse them with questions such as, “What if dog were spelled c-a-t?” or “Did Adam and Eve have navels?” and the ever popular, “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?”

You’ve won them over. You give your liver a rest and decide to take them, and yourself for that matter, out for a real dinner. At the table, after the meal is over, don’t lean back in your chair and burp. Remember, you’re not at school. Rather, try a more dignified approach like, “My sufficiency has been serencified, any more would be obnoxious.” (My grandpa used to say that after one of grandma’s big meals.)

But the festivities eventually come to an end, and you bid farewell to your new found love(s).

Back in DeKalb, you return to the normal way of life. Some go back to the weight room and show off their new t-shirts, while others walk around campus displaying their completely out-of-place tans while the temperature hovers around 10 degrees.

Then one day, as you trudge through the late spring snow to class, you bump into the person you had spent a week of heavy sedation with. You consider this a sign from above and decide this is the opportunity you’ve been waiting for.

You make a commitment to spend the rest of your life with this person. You make all the necessary plans and arrangements.

But as you walk down the aisle on that fateful day, visions of spring break come back to mind. You think of the fun that will no longer be there. And as the priest turns to you and asks you to repeat those two words that will lock you two forever, you turn to them, look them in the eye and say, “You’ll do.”