Alas, winter is upon us once again. With freezing rain thundering upon our weary bodies and gail-force winds threatening to rip our lips off, it’s getting harder and harder to slither off our cozy matresses and futons in the morning.

In the literary world, winter is analogous to death—that foreboding state of sleep-like finality, so familiar to us all as we continue to add another 15 minutes to the extra 15 minutes we just added to our alarm clocks’ snooze settings.

Keeping in mind our mutual vulnerability to prolonged bouts of sleep during this season…

Yes, it’s Goldilocks run amok in the Student Association. Pooooor Billy Kraemer has been picked on enough, kids. Rumors of narcolepsia are circulating around the SA senator who, reportedly, was observed in the prone position across a row of chairs during a Sunday SA meeting. Just another victim of the Alpha State addiction, I’m afraid.

Don’t worry Bill, you’re not alone. Topping the list in “Places to Nevereverever Fall Asleep:”

Last Sunday (was there something in the air?) passengers on a Continental Airlines Boeing 747 were forced to temporarily abort their travel plans to Chicago and return immediately to Newark, N.J., the place of origin.

It seems there was an unidentifiable banging noise coming from the rear of the plane. Upon landing, crew members for flight 383 discovered co-worker Darrin Jones, 22, had been locked in the baggage compartment…after he fell asleep on the job.

Luckily, the interior of the baggage compartment is heated and pressurized, although some doubt exists as to the interior of Jones’ cranium.

Actually, this thing of falling asleep on the job might explain a lot of things in the world today, mightn’t it?

Anyway, a reliable source adds this to my list:

Nevereverever fall asleep in the barber’s chair. Or you will emerge from the establishment looking like a cross between Wendy O. Williams and Yoda.

But hey, that’s an old one. You knew it already. Just like: never fall asleep during an intimate moment. This includes sexual intercourse and using the bathroom. How many of you have ever done at least one of the above? All night you dreamed of Lysol and awoke with tile marks on your face.

Never fall asleep when: You are inebriated at the circus. What? No, that came from someone else’s nightmare.

Never fall asleep when you are inebriated and in a strange place with strange people who are carrying cans of shaving cream, Cheetos corn puffs and a polaroid camera.

Never fall asleep when: You are sitting on a curb directly between an Army recruitment center and a tattoo palace.

Never fall asleep when: You are adrift on a raft off the coast of Bermuda, face down in the blazing sun with two quarts of baby oil on your back and your bathing suit untied. And you thought this was something you’d really have to worry about.

Never fall asleep when: You are in the middle of an essay exam, face down on your blue book while suffering from post nasal drip.

Never fall asleep when: You are in the Wirtz House and Sasaki landscapers are having a bulldozer race through King Memorial Commons.

Never fall asleep when: Sangamon State University President Durward Long has just asked for the keys to your liquor cabinet and Clyde Wingfield is conversing with your interior designer. Ooooh, tactless, tasteless—yes, but it’s Friday.

And last but certainly not of least importance, nevereverever fall asleep when a large man with gleaming red eyes, dredlocks and a Haitian accent is standing over you with a Pat Sajack voodoo doll stuffed with guacamole. Pass this on to your children.

But hey, like I said, it’s Friday. We can all go back to bed and pretend that this never happened.