There’s a new law in Florida—striking right at the heart of our interpersonal communications—banning all bumper stickers or decals containing profanity. This second-degree misdemeanor is punishable by up to six months in jail and a $500 fine.

Is it just me and my warped sense of humor as an English major, or did anyone else find this funny? Don’t get me wrong. I see the point for the law. It can be unnerving when, driving unaware down the highway, one’s three-year-old turns and says, “Mommy, what’s a &$%#&?”

No, the humor found is in this issue of profanity itself. You see, we’re taught that in any civilization, the people dictate the language. That is, we come up with the words, and we are responsible for what they mean. Sounds like we’ve got it all under control, right?

Then why do we get so bent out of shape about these little, four- and five-lettered atrocities, especially when you think that there’s really no correlation between their literal meanings and how we react to them?

Take the ever-popular expression, “Life’s A…(rhymes with itch).” Everyone knows that, literally, the word in question means “female dog.” Eventually, it came to be used as a common insult for a not-too-cordial female human being. Now, we’ve got it modifying life and it makes no sense! I mean, “Life is a Female Dog”—what is that?!

Then you’ve got the dreaded four-letter phenomenon. Think about how upsetting it is when someone says this to you. But what does it mean and where did it come from? This isn’t exactly the type of thing you can look up in the Oxford English Dictionary.

My personal theory is that a long time ago, in some far away kingdom, there was a terrible plague and the population fell dramatically. Thus, the king of this realm was forced into action so he said everyone could proliferate with everyone else. Our infamous word is actually an acronymn for: “Fornication Under Consent of the King.” Not entirely relevant to how it’s used today, is it?

I hope I haven’t lost anyone yet because it gets better. What about the extended version of a word that was once almost synonymous with “donkey” (CLUE: rhymes with “glass bowl”)? It came to be used as the male version of an insult to someone displaying rude behavior. My question is…how? Literally, wouldn’t this compound subject mean a lair or small cavern where donkeys live?

And can you tell me what happened to our respect for the human body? Why is it that the most blatant and vulgar of all insults are derived from our anatomies? Why not, “You earlobe!” while we’re at it?

The irony in these types of derrogatory terms is that those people who use them either have that item on their own persons or are attracted to someone who does.

You might argue that the reason we react so violently when someone uses these words against us isn’t a matter of how we take them but of how they are intended instead. But think of it this way: If it were said in another language, it might just as easily mean “Have a nice day.”

It’s only when we decide something is an insult that we get offended. So try this: The next time someone decides to get a rise out of you with one of these lovely expressions, think of it in the literal sense instead of the slang connotation, and you might just get a good laugh out of a potentially tense situation.

Just remember, words are only as powerful as you allow them to be. After all, even “human being” can be defined as “a term of derision, used by invertebrates.”

Anyway, I suppose as long as there are human beings, there will be speakable languages, and as long as there are speakable languages, there will be plenty of ways to use and abuse them in fulfilling our needs to express our intellects as well as our hormonal fluctuations.

For now, it’s Friday and that ends today’s discussion in Verbal Conflicts 101. Keep your anatomies to yourselves and have a colorful weekend.